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October - December, 2005

Career by God

by Barbe Smith

“This is not what you should be doing with your life.”

I have always been a sensitive type so spiritual bursts of wisdom have never been strange to me yet the above ‘knowing’ that hit me one August day in 2004 pretty well knocked the wind out of me and has launched me on a journey I never anticipated I would need.

Some back story is in order: I was a good Catholic girl, intelligent, making the grades I was supposed to, going to college in the late 1970’s as I was privileged to, and marrying at age 25 to go on to raise my three children, staying at home during their youth, of course. I worked part time as a bookkeeper as my kids got older and then pursued a Paralegal certificate in due course to finally pursue my longtime interest in the law. No childhood traumas, no broken hearts, no health tragedies. Everything just as it should be.

After finishing my Paralegal studies, my older brother chided me that I would never be content working for a lawyer, knowing I could do the work better. On a dare I took the LSAT exam for Law School entrance, never expecting that I could qualify. In fact, I more than qualified, I excelled, and was offered a full scholarship to Law School. All of a sudden, a whim became a reality. There was no doubt in my mind that God had directed this whole process. I figured if He could work out the finances I could find a way to survive Oral Arguments when I was even petrified to speak in front of a bunch of 4th Grade Girl Scouts!

And so, I became a lawyer. Naturally I passed the bar exam the first time I took it — at this point, I figured that this detail to the Almighty was mere fluff. Then I went to work for a litigation firm learning the joys of billable hours and the endless barrage of paper artillery. 

Okay, I thought, there is always a learning curve, you will like what you’re doing after you get more comfortable with it…  Well, it’s been a year, but you’ve assumed a lot of administrative tasks around here and it’ll be easier when things calm down… Hmmm, we’re into year three, you’ve done all the right things, you know how to file papers in Court without a clerk ranting at you, but you’re still not happy. God gave you all of this, what is wrong with you?

Which brings me to last summer: Once again the boss left town for three weeks as was his habit and left the office in my dubiously capable hands. But, this year, instead of crises after crises, and missed deadlines turning into potentials for malpractice, I handled it all. I kept the peace among the employees, I managed the overflowing toilet melodrama, I steered the steady flow of litigation into its proper channels.  Yes, my ego was in super mode. But then, the voice filled my senses:

“This is not what you should be doing with your life.”

It has taken some time (and several other anecdotes) to come to my discovery of A Course in Miracles practice and to realize that I need to look inside to find out how God wants to use me in His ministry. My journey has been automatic for so long in my life that stopping to consider my path going forward is a challenging, sometimes paralyzing prospect.

Did I make a mistake in assuming that God directed me to the Law? I don’t think so. My error, more likely, has been falling back on past insecurities that I am not somehow good enough and if I don’t take the first position offered to me that no one else will want me. What I now realize is that I have often in my life not taken the time to consult with Holy Spirit as to how to use my career for God’s benefit. Law is not the mistake, but for me, anything hinting of continuing controversy rather than peace and mediation cannot be my mission.

I am very excited about starting my path towards my ordination. I hope that those who have been ordained continue to see that the beginners out here need the stories of your journey and how you have overcome the hurdles that arise through the process.

Right now, I struggle daily in the real world stuck in a job that I know is not for me but am wise enough not to run from before I discern God’s plan for me. I look forward to the day when I do not have that knot of dread in my gut each Monday and can carry the joyous peace from my course meditations into more of my earth-bound day. I have made a start, but the path seems so difficult at times, I look to you and others and thank you for your support.

Still, I carry more hope than ever. Even after just two courses, I look at everyone I meet differently, seeing the potential for a miracle. If you hear of a tale where a law firm closes down because no clients were willing to fight any longer over car accidents and barking dogs, you’ll know that I’m making progress!

Barbe Smith is a Pathways of Light student who lives in Havertown, Pennyslvania.

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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October - December, 2005

Releasing the Reigns: Letting God Plan Our Future

by Rev. Cheryl Ford

To plan or not to plan, that is the question.

It seems that more and more my husband and I are resisting the temptation to plan out our future. Prague is beautiful, but we only “planned” to stay here for the summer. Then, although we’ve decided that we are going to let our future “plans” be lead by Holy Spirit, our conversations always seem to meander over to “planning” where we will go next and what we will do when we get there…

Usually, we catch ourselves after lengthy discussions of this type and remember that we are committed to following Spirit’s guidance and find peace for the moment. Yet, our conversations, more often than not, gravitate back to planning something or other.

In our minds, we know that planning is actually impossible because the future does not even exist and there is no way for anyone to even guess at what could happen next in this crazy illusion we call life on earth. Even the Course teaches that planning is the sign of an unhealed mind. Still, we seem to find some weird comfort in our own make believe ability to “call the shots” and create “our own destiny.”

Personally and professionally, I’ve always been a “control freak.” For me, it’s a natural response to want to take pencil and paper in hand and sort through the bills, make lists of goals, visualize my “perfect life,” strategize, etc. It makes me feel in control, which I surmise is what “control freaks” like to feel. And, I notice that when I am not attempting to plan every aspect of my life, I sometimes feel a sense of anxiety, or a feeling of drifting aimlessly. But then I realize that these feelings are only symptoms of my madness…

In reality, there is no “future” to plan. There is only now. In fact, any plans I attempt to make are simply projections of my past; figments of my imagination. To live in the moment is the only real choice I can make. Holy Spirit has been making it easier for me to develop this form of trust by always being available to lead the way. Actually, any worry I’ve experienced about the future is always only completely fear based. Fear of loss, fear of bodily injury, fear of regret, all kinds of nasty fears dancing in my head (like naughty little sugar plum fairies). But when I still my mind and open to Spirit, I am gently reminded that love dispels all fear and in this recollection, I am filled with peace.

When I am feeling completely peaceful, I am also reminded by Spirit that my future is in God’s Hands. Not only does God hold my future in His Hands, but my past and present as well. They are all one to Him because in reality, there is no such thing as time, and as the Course says, “What worry can beset the one who gives his future to the loving Hands of God? For in God’s Hands, we rest untroubled, sure that only good can come to us.” (W-pI.194.7:1&9:2)

“Resting untroubled” in this way is new to me. Although I’ve known for a long time that placing my future in God’s Hands is what I “should” do, it’s not what I actually did for the most part of my life. Now, I’m finding that my situation is creating tons of good opportunities for me to practice this idea.

For example, trust is something I have needed to work on for quite awhile. Feeling comfortable in God’s Grace has been a concept that I’d experienced glimpses of during holy instants, but I would always find myself slipping back into habitual worrying and fearful thinking, trying to “plan” myself back into sanity. But now, by trusting in God’s plan and not my own, I’m finally feeling that I’m truly learning to appreciate God’s Grace and I am fully accepting His Gifts.

I notice, however, that my greatest moments of learning, especially in trusting the future to God, is when I’m doing absolutely nothing. When I’m not thinking, planning, analyzing or strategizing, but just being in the moment or relaxing with my family. Often, it’s during those times that I am flooded with the feeling that Heaven is in my mind, God is good, and that all is well with the world… What more is there to know?

Along the same note, during the summer months, the days here in Prague Chechoslovika have been mild and pleasant. Our bedroom window faces “Petrin Hill,” a beautiful, green hillside that overlooks a convent and a monastery. I enjoy watching the nuns and monks walk the grounds, work in their garden or hang sheets to dry. But the best thing is the sound of all the bells that ring throughout the day. Sometimes they play out a tune; sometimes they just chime out the time, or perhaps announce a mass. Whatever the reason, hearing these bells always seems to make me feel that everything is all right. In fact, I’ve chosen to use their clear ringing as a personal reminder to call on Spirit throughout the day, recall the daily lesson, or simply as a reminder to remain present.

Rev. Cheryl Ford is a Pathways of Light minister now living in England

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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October - December, 2005

The Present

by Rev. Petra Sundheim

This Holy Instant, timeless and
eternal Yesterday, only memories now.

I rewrite today the script I wrote,
With unforgiven pain, I bloat.

I can feel, give it voice, release and
let go. This is my process to honor
Whenerver cues of discomfort arise.

To forgive is to be free and clear
Unclouded by judgment, pain and fear.
Peace is my cue with nothing to do.

Only ask to see through eyes of the heart
Opened by Love and Spirit.

New thoughts arise,
Replacing those that give me pain.
A shift in perception is my gain.
It’s my Essence I am seeing,
The truth of my Being.
Choiceless, I am not.
This moment I choose again.

I choose to be present to the beloved
I am that I am.
I am Love, I am Light, I am Peace, This presence within, I now hear.
Replacing illusions of fear.

Tomorrow is not yet here.
Ah trust, I must in the Real.
Don’t figure, just feel.
The Love of your Essence
At home in the heart
Right now in the Present.

Divine desire gives birth
And takes root with intention.
Resistance I surrender and allow
my Essence the details to orchestrate.
There’s enough on my plate.

Meddle not, control not,
Stir not the pot. Listen with a willing
open heart. It is sufficient for my part.

The perfect outcome for highest good,

I bless, with gratitude.

Rev. Petra Sundheim is a Pathways of Light minister living in Kalaheo, Hawaii.

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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July-September, 2005

Retroactive Forgiveness

by Rev. Myron Jones, O.M.C.

Forgiveness is my purpose in life. It is what I do. Anytime I feel anything less than joy about whatever circumstances pop up, I know that I have before me another chance to forgive. It is through forgiveness that I am healed. If I have held onto a grievance, then that grievance has had time to play itself out through my body, and so when I forgive, I give my body a chance to heal. Holding a grievance affects my mind. It holds me prisoner to raging emotions- anger, fear, built, vengeance, despair. Forgiveness frees me an dallows me to experience joy again.

Retroactive forgiveness is the idea that we can forgive today what has happened in the past and so be free of its effects. I have wasted a lot of time on regrets. I am sorry for things I have said and done in the past. I am burdened with grudges I hold against people for things they have done in the past. I want to clean up all of this detritus.

I have been keeping these grievances imprisoned in the dark cellar of my mind, bringing them up from time to time to reexamine; to revel in righteous anger, or to wallow awhile in guilty regrets. Now I am ready to “clean up my act,” as folks say.

Even the oldest unforgiving thought still affects my life, and so I want to be free of it. There is a most powerful passage from A Course in Miracles: The holiest of all the spots on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love. (T.26.IX.6.1)

Forgiveness will dot his for me. It will free my mind. It will create in my life the holiest of spots. Forgiveness works just as well on past regrets as it does on what is happening in my life today. It is never too late to forgive. It doesn’t matter how ancient the grievance. Nor does it matter at all how big or how small the unforgiveness. Each is just as destructive to my peace of mind. If I hold a grudge because my ex-husband said an unkind word to me, I have lost my peace. If I am angry because I think that someone has ruined my life, I have lost my peace. Either way, I have lost my peace.

To start the forgiveness process I must first understand what true forgiveness is. Most commonly we look at forgiveness as a mercy we bestow on someone who doesn’t deserve it. We say to ourselves that this person did something wrong, they don’t deserve my forgiveness because they truly wronged me, but I am a big person so I will go ahead and forgive them. It feels like I am sacrificing my own best interests so that this person can be forgiven.

For example, about 30 years ago I worked for a doctor. He was a real horror to work for and eventually he just got to be too much. He was angry at me for quitting and held it against me.

While I did not like working for him, I did love working in a doctor’s office. I loved helping people, and I was good at it. When I applied for a similar job in another city, the doctor gave me a bad reference. I had done such a good job fo rhim, and even after I quit, I came back on my own time and helped his new employee learn her job. I did not deserve the reference he gave me. Because of the bad reference, I did not get the job I applied for, and never tried for another job with a doctor.

Conventional wisdom holds that to forgive him fo rhte bad reference would mean that I first I recognize that he wronged me, and then I decide that, being the better person, I will let him of the hook for what he did. What happened is that I found I was not that good of a person. I resented what he said. He embarrassed me. He also kept me from a kind of job that I would have enjoyed and been good at. Every time I thought about him, I would feel a surge of anger. From time to time, I would bring out this old grievance so I could experience my righteous anger all over again. It sounds funny to say that I got something out of this and that I somehow enjoyed my anger, but I must have because I kept doing it. For thirty years!

Whatever little satisfactions I get from replaying in my mind my little drama with the doctor does not come without a cost. I can have my grievance, or I can have peace. I cannot have both. We tell ourselves that we can compartmentalize our anger but this isn’t true. Anger at anything is going to spill over onto you. You say something to me and I snap at you. Later we are both left wondering what happened.

I have chosen for peace often enough now that I want peace all the time. I really miss my peace when I choose against it, so I want to truly forgive the doctor. I am no longer willing to give him my peace in exchange for anger no mater how righteous I think it is. Can I forgive him at this late date, I wondered? I doubt he is even alive now. But here’s the thing, it doesn’t matter when I forgive. It doesn’t matter if he is in his body to accept my forgiveness. Let’s face it; he isn’t interested in my forgiveness.

I am not forgiving him because he needs my forgiveness. In fact he lived on blissfully unaware that I harbored a grudge against him. In truth, it is only I that am prisoner to my grievances. Do I believe that he walked around burdened with this heavy guilt about how he wronged me? It is only I who struggle through life under the burden of my perceived grievances. I am not choosing forgiveness for his sake, but only for myself.

There are some things in life that seem so hard to forgive when we look at forgiveness in the way I just described. Well, no problem is so big that it can’t be solved by a good miracle, and what is more miraculous than a change of mind?

So, how do I change my mind? Before I pull anything up from the dark places in my mind to really look at it, I ask the Holy Spirit to look with me. The Holy Spirit brings light to my mind and that light shines away the darkness. If I try to look on my own, I only see what I remembered storing there. Nothing changes. I see his error, and my anger. I didn’t get vengeance in the moment and so I seek for it in my imagination. This is all I see. With the light the Holy Spirit brings, I am able to see this differently.

Here is what the Holy Spirit showed me when we looked together. He showed me that the doctor didn’t really hurt me. He spoke some words. They were not true. That really happened, and it would be silly and ineffective to try to say it didn’t. But what he said is not what caused me pain. It is how I felt about what he said that was the problem.

There was something in his owrds that brought up for me a feeling of unworthiness. There was a part of me that believed I was guilty, if not of this, then of something. I didn’t want to feel guilty and unworthy, and I didn’t want to look at those feelings, so I projected them onto the doctor. There, now he is the guilty one. He is to blame for this bad feeling in me.

The problem is, as long as I think he is responsible for my feelings, I have given him all the control. He can keep me feeling bad about myself for 30 years. Forgiveness shows me that he is not guilty. He is not to blame for my feelings. Through the process of forgiveness, I am able to take complete responsibility for my feelings.

I also thought that the doctor robbed me of my future. I wanted to be part of a healing palce and his bad reference kept me from doing this. The Holy Spirit also toldme that I wound up exactly where I need to be. I thought that the doctor prevented me from experiencing my destiny, but the Holy Spirit said that he put me on the road to my destiny, and that I owed him only thanks as I owe only thanks to all my brothers, without exception.

Through the process of forgiveness, I am able to give the belief system that supports unworthiness to the Holy Spirit for correction. Through the process of forgiveness, I am healed. I did not do the healing myself. All healing is of God. My part was to be willing to accept the gift of healing, and forgiveness was the way I did it. I traded my righteous anger for the peace of God. It was a good deal. I don’t miss that drama at all.

True forgiveness happens as I become willing to see this differently. I become willing to see that I chose to feel anger at his words and actions. I accept full responsibility for my own feelings and I stop trying to make them someone else’s fault. The process of forgiveness forgives not the person or his actions, but rather it sees that it is only my perception of what happened that needs to be changed.

In the old way of perceiving forgivness, I was making what the doctor did real, and then was trying to forgive it. It didn’t work. Through the miracle of true forgiveness, I recognize that he didn’t do anything to me, and I am forgiving the thought that he did by seeing the situation differently.

Forgiveness is all inclusive. In order to experience the peace of God, I forgive everyone for whatever I thought they did to me. I make no exceptions. That is its beauty, I don’t have to take each instance and decide which is deserving of forgivenss. I don’t have to figure anything out. I love the absolutes, the “nevers” and the “always.” They take the guess work out of it. I already know that I want to forgive, whatever the circumstances. I only need to bring God into the process and it is done.

So what I have learened about forgiveness is this: 1. Forgiveness is retroactive. It doesn’t matter how old the perceived wrong, it can be forgiven in the present moment.

2. Forgiveness is the way to peace. It is all inclusive and no one or thing gets left out. There is no place in my life where I will say everything else gets forgiven, but this one grievance I am holding onto.

3. Forgiveness is not about anyone else. It is about changing my own mind with the recognition that I alone am responsible for my feelings. I am always free to change my mind about how I feel about my grievances. I am always willing, with the Holy Spirit’s help, to see this differently.

4. And most important of all, I am not alone in this process. I give to it my willingness, and God does the rest. When I fail to accept forgiveness and have to repeat the process, I forgive myself and just get on with it. I do the process as often as I must in order to fully accept forgiveness.

5. And finally, as forgiveness becomes my goal, and the way I live, I live in peace.

Rev. Myron Jones is a Pathways of Light minister living in Lake Charles, Louisiana.

© 2005, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
You may freely share copies of this with your friends, provided this copyright notice and website address are included.

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