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Study of the Text, I. The Last Step, Paragraph 5. 1-20-14

I. The Last Step, Paragraph 5
5 I gave only love to the Kingdom because I believed that was what I was. What you believe you are determines your gifts, and if God created you by extending Himself as you, you can only extend yourself as He did. Only joy increases forever, since joy and eternity are inseparable. God extends outward beyond limits and beyond time, and you who are co-creator with Him extend His Kingdom forever and beyond limit. Eternity is the indelible stamp of creation. The eternal are in peace and joy forever.

I woke up at 3:00 and my mind was filled with ego fear thoughts. I don’t know why it is that sometimes, when I am tired usually, all the unhealed thoughts come up for me to look at. At first I felt a little of the old vulnerability as I started following the fear thoughts down the rabbit hole. But even in that half asleep state, I knew I didn’t want to go there.

I lay there asking for another way to see. I listen to the Course at night playing softly in my sleep and suddenly I focused on what was being said. He was talking about fear. I lay there and listened to the soothing and helpful words.  At first there was a sense of struggle as the ego continued its litany of “what if” thoughts. I steadfastly refused to turn my attention back to the ego fear thoughts, and my willingness to hear the Voice for God won out.

I looked into my mind for the thoughts I think with God. I remembered that it is not God’s Will that I suffer. I remembered that the future does not exist and returned my mind to the present moment where all is as it should be. I lay here in this rather nice hotel room with the comforting words of Jesus softly filling the room. What else could I want right this moment? What is there to fear?

I can find fear thoughts only if I leave the moment and project myself into some imagined experience in an uncertain future. Why would I choose to do that? Right now, right this moment I am choosing love over fear and in so doing, I am healing the Sonship of the belief in fear. I am safe in God where I have always been and will always be. God loves me and I love Him. Ahh. The true thoughts are right there in my mind. Why choose to focus on the ego fear thoughts instead? No good reason.

Jesus gave only love because that was all he believed about himself. If I hold onto the belief in fear, the gift I have to share will be fear. I will share love sometimes, but at other times I will share fear, and what I give to others I give to myself. As I teach fear, I learn fear. Do you see the closed cycle?

There is a way out of it, though, and it begins with a little willingness. At one time, I had a little willingness to remember who I am, a little willingness to let go of my separate will.  As I practiced that willingness it grew and it continues to grow. One day my desire to be only the love I am in truth will be so great, there will be no room for fear. This morning at three o’clock I made another decision for God and the day I know myself as only love got another step closer.

© 2014, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text, Chapter 7: The Last Step, Paragraph 4continued. 2-19-14

I. The Last Step, Paragraph 4
4 The ego, on the other hand, always demands reciprocal rights, because it is competitive rather than loving. It is always willing to strike a bargain, but it cannot understand that to be like another means that no bargains are possible. To gain you must give, not bargain. To bargain is to limit giving, and this is not God’s Will. To will with God is to create like Him. God does not limit His gifts in any way. You are His gifts, and so your gifts must be like His. Your gifts to the Kingdom must be like His gifts to you.

A Course in Miracles introduces me to a God so unlike the one I learned about in traditional religion. That God loved me only when I was obedient, and punished me when I was not. The God I used to believe in was a bargain maker. It seems so obvious to me now that this God is simply a reflection of the ego and not God at all. God gives and only gives. He has no conditions on His giving. He gives because that is His nature, and because He created me from His nature, as an extension of His nature, I too, give without condition. So this thing I seem to be now, this bargain maker, is clearly not me.

Becoming aware of the beliefs I hold that do not reflect my true nature is the first step in returning to my senses. I ask that these beliefs be brought to my attention. How do I still reflect the belief that love is a contract, a bargain to be struck? How do I try to set boundaries and limits on love? I want to be aware of these misconceptions in my mind so that I can look with Spirit and allow them to be undone for me. As the answers to my prayer begin to play across my mind I see that they are many and often subtle.

I thought I needed my daughter to answer a question for me before I could go on with my plans. She seemed to be ignoring her texts and her phone calls. I felt annoyed and frustrated. I felt rejected. Because my feelings were mostly focused inward, and carefully hidden behind a gentler façade than I was actually feeling (a slight twinge of annoyance is nothing but a veil drawn over intense fury, Lesson 21), I was able to avoid seeing the hidden bargain.

Looking honestly with Holy Spirit I am able to see the bargain. If my daughter will show me love, respect, and attention, then I will love her above all things and put her first in my life. If she fails to live up to her part of the bargain, I will turn on her in carefully cloaked rage. I can’t let her see the full extent of my fury because I want to renegotiate the bargain, so I use more subtle methods to bring her back into line, maybe guilt and manipulation. Could I have ever thought this was love? And yet it passes for love in most people’s relationships.

Many relationships themselves are an attempt to limit love. “I will single you out and love you in a special way if you will love me in that same way.” Isn’t this the bargain that is typically made between two people who “fall in love?” What if I simply loved and allowed that love to flow everywhere? What if there were no boundaries on my love?

I could still live with only one person, I could even marry that person. But why should that be a special relationship? Why should marriage to one person limit the flow of love? Yet, that is the way we typically define being in love. Two people find each other so special that the “love” they feel for each other is different than the love they feel for others. That is like building a wall around love to contain it. This is not the nature of love and so what is felt is no longer love. The bargain that is struck between two people to limit love is no longer about love, but is now about need and the fear of loss.

I see the thoughts in my mind about reciprocal giving such as the ones that I noticed when my daughter failed to answer my call. These kind of thoughts occur in nearly all my relationships. Mostly they just float on by, though sometimes they slow down a bit as I consider them, deciding whether or not I believe the thought. Very rarely now, I choose to believe it for awhile until I get tired of suffering, then I let it go. It is a relief and wonderfully freeing not to be blindly attached to that belief anymore.

Where I am still attached to a belief in limiting my love is in the special relationship. I still do not allow my love to flow unimpeded by limits of any kind. I try to direct it to some people and try to withhold it from others. I cannot, of myself, do anything about this. What I can do is desire to experience love as it truly is, not what I try to make of it. My desire is an invitation to healing.

I notice the times when I try to direct love and ask that my mind be healed of such foolish and unproductive beliefs. I do this as often as I need to and allow the desire for love to be love become stronger until it overwhelms the need to be special. I must be getting closer because I can now imagine my love flowing like a strong and wide river, encompassing all in its path. I laugh at the idea of the river trying to avoid certain people, or getting dammed up by certain other people.

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Study of the Text, Chapter 7: The Last Step, Paragraph 3 continued. 2-18-14

I. The Last Step, Paragraph 3

3 Your creations belong in you, as you belong in God. You are part of God, as your sons are part of His Sons. To create is to love. Love extends outward simply because it cannot be contained. Being limitless it does not stop. It creates forever, but not in time. God’s creations have always been, because He has always been. Your creations have always been, because you can create only as God creates. Eternity is yours, because He created you eternal.

Oh my God! I am eternal. I am like God. I am a creator and my creations are eternal and create as I create. Creation cannot be contained; it is endless and limitless and eternal. Creation is love and extends outward always. I am That. How could I ever have mistaken myself for this small, fragile and limited being in this body? And now that I have, how do I shift my awareness to that which I truly am?

I can’t stop crying. I don’t know if I am crying because of the promise these words hold, or because I don’t seem to be able to step fully into that promise. I am very grateful for the Course and for the daily lessons. “God is the strength in which I trust.” “There is nothing to fear.” Of myself, that is, of my little ego imaginary self, I can do nothing. But I am not left alone and forsaken. There is a place in me where nothing is impossible.

I live and move and have my being in you, God. I want to go home. Oh my God, please wake me up! I want to be what I am. I trust that I will be guided step by step. I trust that while I am lost here in this story of me, You have not left me bereft and the way is being made clear for my return.

© 2014, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text, Chapter 7: The Last Step, Paragraph 2 continued. 2-17-14

I. The Last Step, Paragraph 2
2 If you created God and He created you, the Kingdom could not increase through its own creative thought. Creation would therefore be limited, and you would not be co-creators with God. As God’s creative Thought proceeds from Him to you, so must your creative thought proceed from you to your creations. Only in this way can all creative power extend outward. God’s accomplishments are not yours, but yours are like His. He created the Sonship and you increase it. You have the power to add to the Kingdom, though not to add to the Creator of the Kingdom. You claim this power when you become vigilant only for God and His Kingdom. By accepting this power as yours you have learned to remember what you are.

I was guided to look at this paragraph again.

I remember the first time I read something in the Course about my creations. I was astounded at the thought. I was titillated, curious and fascinated. I try to imagine what that is. What does it look like, my creations? I cannot even begin to guess, and yet I continue to create, to extend the Kingdom of God, even while I imagine myself in time. The memory of my creations is in my mind alongside the thoughts I think with God. Maybe they are the thoughts I think with God.

At this point in my awakening I think it is helpful for me to remind myself that I am a creator, that I create like God, and that this is ongoing. I remind myself of this because my experience is so different right now, and so narrowly focused, that I cannot remember any of this. I am ready to claim my power and so I am vigilant for God and His Kingdom. I am not vigilant only for God yet, but I get closer to that every day.

I was asking Jesus if there was anything else he wanted me to see concerning this paragraph and as I sat here my mind seemed to wander to someone I know who is sick. I thought about how his actions seemed to have brought on the sickness and that this is a pattern for him and maybe that is his lesson in this lifetime. Maybe he is learning that self will does not bring him happiness and peace.

Then Jesus gently turned my mind in another direction. I understood that it is not my job to discern his lessons, nor is it my job to judge him. It is funny really, because everything I thought about this friend of mine is exactly true of me. I bring on my own sickness through the wrong-
minded thoughts in my mind. This is a pattern for me too, and maybe that is one of my lessons for this lifetime as I accept that self-will and a need to control are not making me happy. They are not bringing me home.

How might I be vigilant only for the God and His Kingdom in this case? How do I accept my power and remember what I am? The answer I received is that I am to turn my face from the ego appearance and the ego desire to assign blame. Instead I am to remember the Will of God. What is God’s Will for His Son? It is not God’s Will that His Son be condemned for his errors, and it is not God’s Will that His Son be punished for them.

It is God’s Will that His Son be only as he was created. And it is my job to know this is true. It is true for my friend, and it is true for me. My eyes show me the appearance of a sickly body when I look at my friend. But my eyes are blind. They don’t see what is before them. Their only use is to report to me what I want to believe. As I accept only that the truth is true, I am empowered with vision.

Today I choose to disregard appearances. Appearances are only the shadows of my mistaken beliefs. They are meaningless. Today I commit to allowing my mind to see what is actually there. I commit to this sacred purpose. “Holy Spirit, I open my mind to You and invite You to correct my thinking. Keep me vigilant only for God and His Kingdom. Thank you.”

© 2014, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text, Chapter 7: The Gifts of the Kingdom, Paragraph 1,2. 2-14-14

Chapter 7: THE GIFTS OF THE KINGDOM

I. The Last Step
1 The creative power of God and His creations is limitless, but they are not in reciprocal relationship. You communicate fully with God, as He does with you. This is an ongoing process in which you share, and because you share it, you are inspired to create like God. Yet in creation you are not in a reciprocal relation to God, since He created you but you did not create Him. I have already told you that only in this respect your creative power differs from His. Even in this world there is a parallel. Parents give birth to children, but children do not give birth to parents. They do, however, give birth to their children, and thus give birth as their parents do.

Just as is with God, our creative power is without limit. We are not, in time, creating. We are making. Thus I did not create the world I see, but I did make it and it is absolutely astounding in depth and detail. This is because the same power we use to create, we also use to make. The Course tells us that outside of time and as our true Self we are still creating.

Our creations go in only one direction. God created us and we continue to create. We cannot turn the process around and change our selves through a different creation, nor can we change God, or create Him anew. Though in time, we act as if both are possible.

2 If you created God and He created you, the Kingdom could not increase through its own creative thought. Creation would therefore be limited, and you would not be co-creators with God. As God’s creative Thought proceeds from Him to you, so must your creative thought proceed from you to your creations. Only in this way can all creative power extend outward. God’s accomplishments are not yours, but yours are like His. He created the Sonship and you increase it. You have the power to add to the Kingdom, though not to add to the Creator of the Kingdom. You claim this power when you become vigilant only for God and His Kingdom. By accepting this power as yours you have learned to remember what you are.

I remember the first time I read something in the Course about my creations. I was astounded at the thought. I was titillated, curious and fascinated. I try to imagine what that is. What does it look like, my creations? I cannot even begin to guess, and yet I continue to create, to extend the Kingdom of God, even while I imagine myself in time. The memory of my creations is in my mind alongside the thoughts I think with God. Maybe they are the thoughts I think with God.

At this point in my awakening I think it is helpful for me to remind myself that I am a creator, that I create like God, and that this is ongoing. I remind myself of this because my experience is so different right now, and so narrowly focused, that I cannot remember any of this. I am ready to claim my power and so I am vigilant for God and His Kingdom. I am not vigilant only for God yet, but I get closer to that every day.

© 2014, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text, C. Be Vigilant Only for God and His Kingdom, Paragraph 10. 2-13-14

C. Be Vigilant Only for God and His Kingdom, Paragraph 10
10 The third step, then, is a statement of what you want to believe, and entails a willingness to relinquish everything else. The Holy Spirit will enable you to take this step, if you follow Him. Your vigilance is the sign that you want Him to guide you. Vigilance does require effort, but only until you learn that effort itself is unnecessary. You have exerted great effort to preserve what you made because it was not true. Therefore, you must now turn your effort against it. Only this can cancel out the need for effort, and call upon the being which you both have and are. This recognition is wholly without effort since it is already true and needs no protection. It is in the perfect safety of God. Therefore, inclusion is total and creation is without limit.

Jesus sums it up in this paragraph and reminds us that what we have and are is unassailable and does not need either our effort or our protection. Since we are not there yet, vigilance is still important. We know that we can be vigilant and that we can expend great effort to protect our thought system. We do this constantly to keep the separation idea in place. Now our job is to turn that effort and that vigilance to our true thought system. The Holy Spirit will enable us to do this if we simply follow Him.

I had slightly disturbing dreams right before I woke up, and that affected my mood. I lay there for a few minutes wishing I could just go back to sleep. When I got up and started moving around I noticed a vague uneasiness. I didn’t feel awful or anything, just not happy. Suddenly I remembered that this is just a choice. I can return to happiness at any time. So I did.

This is actually my job, to be happy. I experienced a significant shift recently and happiness seems to have occurred. I don’t know how this happened really, but there it is, and I like it. Even so, I have to remain vigilant for my happiness. The ego will try to assert itself and try to create a mood that seems more appropriate to the circumstances. Since this has been the way of things for as long as I can remember, I have to remain highly vigilant to stop myself from following the ego mind.

The other day I answered the ego’s call to fear and afterwards was stunned at how quickly and completely the ego mind asserted itself. At another time I would have been discouraged and fearful that I had set myself back, or maybe that I just can’t do this. It was different this time. I just looked at what had happened with the Holy Spirit.

I told Him that I didn’t know what to do with this, but He did and I was willing to hand it over to Him. These fearful stories still show up and sometimes it seems I am still attracted to them, but that is not what I want. I want to be happy. I want to remember who I am. I want to wake up. I have the means to do this through the Holy Spirit.

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Study of the Text, C. Be Vigilant Only For God and His Kingdom, Paragraph 9. 2-12-14

C. Be Vigilant Only for God and His Kingdom, Paragraph 9

9 Truth is without illusions and therefore within the Kingdom. Everything outside the Kingdom is illusion. When you threw truth away you saw yourself as if you were without it. By making another kingdom that you valued, you did not keep only the Kingdom of God in your mind, and thus placed part of your mind outside it. What you made has imprisoned your will, and given you a sick mind that must be healed. Your vigilance against this sickness is the way to heal it. Once your mind is healed it radiates health, and thereby teaches healing. This establishes you as a teacher who teaches like me. Vigilance was required of me as much as of you, and those who choose to teach the same thing must be in agreement about what they believe.

There is the Kingdom of God that is made of only truth with no illusions. Then there is the kingdom I made outside of truth, the kingdom of illusions.  Now I have a split mind, split between Reality and illusions. Because I value my little kingdom a part of my mind is now imprisoned by these beliefs. I have the truth in my mind and I also have the illusions in my mind. I must choose what I want to believe, and to protect my choice I must be vigilant for it.

When I first started mind watching it seemed like a real chore. In fact, the first day I became truly devoted to watching my mind for ego thoughts and asking that my thinking be corrected, I was exhausted. I felt like I had taken a beating. That was because my mind was still very conflicted about what I wanted.

I wanted to wake up from the dream of separation. I wanted to relinquish my own little illusory kingdom in favor of my place in the Kingdom of God. But I also valued my own little world and wanted to keep it, too. Since it is not possible to have both, I had exhausted myself going back and forth, choosing first illusions then choosing to be healed, then back to illusions, over and over.

I have been vigilant in watching my mind for a number of years now and so it is not really chore anymore. I do it all the time and I do it without thinking about it. Noticing the ego thoughts and choosing again is just what I do, and I am no longer as conflicted about my desire to awaken as I used to be. Another change is that I no longer feel guilty for the thoughts I find, and that makes the process a lot easier. Noticing how much more peaceful I am now motivates me to continue.

I have been asked if we ever get finished with this process, if there is ever a time when we do not have to be vigilant anymore. My answer has always been that so far in my experience I have not seen an end to the need for vigilance. In this paragraph Jesus tells us that even he had to remain vigilant. Since vigilance has gotten easier and more joyful for me, I assume that by the time I reach the same level of healing as Jesus, it will be unnecessary, but evidently the need for vigilance remains at least for the time being.

Here is a link to the little book, Inner Healing, that changed my life. From this book I learned a simple little process to watch my mind and allow it to be healed. I will be forever grateful to Dan Joseph for writing it. http://www.amazon.com/Inner-Healing-Spiritual-Process-Practices/dp/0971626715

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