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January-March, 2023

Flexing My Faith Muscle

by Rev. Ashley Rose Legrand, Ordained Ministerial Counselor

Got me a case of the winter blues. Way ahead of winter time. Makes sense. I always do things in my own time. And I’m always painfully early. 

I’ve always been uncomfortable during these transition times (or the times in general, when for whatever reason, my mood seems to take a nose dive and I feel a little stuck, regardless of the season or time of year). I use the word uncomfortable loosely because it’s more of a soul-shattering, spirit-crushing, demolition of my mental health and the construct of my life that I’ve built in my mind. It’s ugly. It’s voracious. Its strength is unmatched.

I try to pry its fingers off my neck, off my heart, one by one, but to no avail. It’s relentless. I’m the perfect target. This sadness reveals my imperfections. The dark side of my mind. And I’ve succumbed,  yet again.

What is wrong with me? Screams the judgy, bossy voice inside my head. Why, again?! Haven’t I transcended this? Haven’t I not learned? Grown. Come so far! The spiral returns. I’ve come right back around. That U-turn just looked so enticing I had to turn off again.

Is it my subconscious doing this to me, leading me away … from where I know I deserve to be? Where I long to be? Right beside God and the Holy Spirit. Basking in their gentle love and the warming light of their peace. Unending. Beautiful. Holy. Filling my whole being.

Watching as those ugly fingers of fear and anxiety around me crumble and deteriorate. In one Holy instant. The instant I remember I am one with him and He hasn’t left me.

This IS, yet again, another opportunity to trust in Him. But more deeply this time. Because I DO have a choice. And no matter how strong my resistance, I can come back each day, each moment, and try again. Giving it all I’ve got. Because eventually the change I’m hoping for will stick. All the wheels and locks will click, the doors will open and I’ll be released.

I may not see that while I’m in the thick of it. In fact I don’t. Not even a little. But I’m flexing my faith muscle because I know, “Through the love of God within (me), (I) can resolve all seeming difficulties without effort and in sure confidence.” (W-50.4:5)

Although I may feel unsure, confused and low, I can be sure that He is leading me through this difficulty. I can leave all things in God’s hands and know that this too is part of His plan, one that I can’t fully see yet, from my limited vantage point. He’s doing a good work in me and in time I will discover what He wanted me to know and I’ll be stronger and wiser for it.

I’m reminded of workbook lesson 135, “What could you not accept, if you but knew that everything that happens, all events, past, present and to come, are gently planned by One Whose only purpose is your good?” (W-135.18:1)

I don’t have to have it all figured out or scramble and race to find an answer of my own. I can place less stock in my own strength and instead trust in His.

“Once you accept His plan as the one function that you would fulfill, there will be nothing else the Holy Spirit will not arrange for you without your effort. He will go before you making straight your path, and leaving in your way no stones to trip on, and no obstacles to bar your way. Nothing you need will be denied you. Not one seeming difficulty but will melt away before you reach it.” (T-20.IV.8:4-7)

If there’s one thing I know, He’s always led me back from my insane perceptions. With my willingness, He’s always course corrected for me and returned me to the path of peace. He’s given me everything I need. His will is all there is. As I trust in Him, I remember that this is just a passing season. Like braving the cold of winter with a warm coat and gloves, I can bolster my spirit with God’s love and my remembrance that “God’s will for me is perfect happiness.” (W-101) All that occurs is leading me to that end.

If you’re having your days and your “times” too, know that I’m with you. And let me remind you, it’s not just you. There’s nothing wrong with you or missing in you. You’ve just forgotten who you are for a little while. But faith WILL restore you to your loving, right mind.

Close your eyes… Envision Holy Spirit dropping a seed of Love right in the center of you… Imagine it blossoming, blooming exponentially, permeating every inch of your being… Let that Love handle all your misperceptions… Flowing over them gracefully and dissolving each one effortlessly… Not one is too great. Not one excluded. Because after all, “There is no order of difficulty in miracles.” (T-1.I.1:1)

Even when all I can see are my flaws, my mistakes and what I think I haven’t done right. Even when I feel like I’ve come up short again, God reminds me that He WILL guide me home. I am held in his Holy embrace, even when I forget.

As one of my most beloved mentors has often reminded me, “God has not changed his mind about you.” No matter what I think I’ve done or have not done, He is my constant guiding light, even in what seems to be, the darkest, coldest, nights.
God, I love you.

God, I trust you.

© 2022, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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