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July - September, 2009

Forgivenes Is the Answer

by Rev. Jennifer McSween

I was looking forward to September of 2003. My daughter had turned 5 earlier that year and was starting school. I had chosen to put my professional life on hold during the last 5 years so I could be at home with her. This decision not only afforded me the joy of this time together, but also gave me a more flexible schedule. I was able to work on certain personal and professional areas of my life. It was during this time that I completed the Pathways of Light Spiritual Counselor Training Program, enrolled in the University of Metaphysics graduate studies program and began developing the professional speaking business.

Although I was looking forward to getting back to business, so to speak, I felt a little saddened and was somewhat apprehensive about this inevitable next stage of my daughter’s life: starting school. Well actually, I was a border-line basket case thinking of “my baby” going out into the world, without me, making her own friends and being with other people, strangers, people I didn’t know, from 8:00 a.m. till 2:00 p.m. after being with me almost 24/7 every day for about 4 1⁄2 years (except for those 11 days of In-person training at Pathways). But other than that I was at peace with the idea. I was looking forward to being a full time professional again.

I was also looking forward to my mother returning to Montreal to live after 31 years. This was going to be the first time, since the age of 8 that she and I would be living in the same country, let alone the same city. Though we had always been in frequent contact with each other, our relationship over the years would not have been described as predominantly “loving.” During the 10 years or so leading up to 2003, a shift seemed to have occurred in the way we communicated with each other. As a matter of fact we had actually begun to communicate with each other as opposed to talking at, or throwing words at each other. 

With the birth of my daughter I felt another shift had occurred. I felt more of a gentleness towards her, more understanding, more compassion as I was now able to identify with her as a mother. As I watched her interacting with my daughter — her granddaughter — I saw a gentleness and love being expressed that I had never before seen expressed through her. I also felt that she was responding to me more lovingly and less defensively. It was as if we had both dropped our guards; literally dropped our “defenses.”

So, as I said, I was looking forward to her return. It was not about my having a “mommy,” but about us being able to share some form of a genuinely loving adult relationship. Shortly after her return she became progressively ill. After what appeared to be a complete breakdown followed by a battery of medical tests, we received a diagnosis of “dementia-alzheimer’s.” The prognosis was: She may get worse or stay the same, but she would not get better.

She was confused, suspicious and distrustful of everyone; incoherent at times, stubborn, argumentative, and very afraid. I seemed to be her primary object of distrust, her chief persecutor and public enemy #1. To say that I was somewhat afraid, confused and overwhelmed myself, would be an understatement. I wanted to be there in a loving way for her. I wanted to be available for her in the same way that I was available for my daughter, but I found that I was entertaining some very unloving thoughts.

That I was having these unloving thoughts came as quite a shock to me, because until then I had been convinced that I had released all feelings of bitterness and resentment that I had in the past directed towards my mother, along with the accompanying guilt I felt for having had those thoughts. In addition, I was feeling “put-upon” and taken for granted.

I am my mother’s only child. She does not have a spouse or a partner, so naturally, she was now my responsibility. I felt like I had sent off one 5 year old off to school and gained another. I was not at peace. I couldn’t see how I could be at peace with all those fearful thoughts that now seemed to constantly occupy my mind. I had convinced myself that “I” no longer had issues with my mother. “I” had helped other people to deal with their issues with their mothers, but I felt stuck.

I literally was stuck for about three months on Workbook lesson 155: “I will step back and let Him lead the way.” I realized I was angry, afraid. I was throwing a spiritual tantrum. “When was it ever going to be about me? When am I going to matter to her? Am I ever going to experience a mutually loving relationship with my mother… Whaaaaaaa!!!...?”

My mother had been placed in a Geriatric Medical Residence that provided the round the clock medical care that she needed at the time. I would dread each visit, as I did not know whether she would recognize me, and/or how she would respond to me (or so I thought… given that I’m never upset for the reason I think).

Somewhere underneath all this angst and fear there was a faint awareness that this seemingly painful, discordant situation, seen “rightly,” held the answer to my prayers. I had no idea how to “see it rightly.” There was no evidence to support this idea in any “form” that was taking place in my life. All there was was a faint, albeit certain, awareness that there was another way of looking at this. So, in between bouts of fear I would ask myself, “What was it that I was praying for? What did I want to experience most? And what was blocking my experience of it?”

I came to realize that what I had been wanting most was to be more available, more present, more loving for and towards my self, and others. I wanted to feel more loved, more whole; experience more joy, feel more complete; feel less “burdened”; be more creative, more giving, more passionate, more alive. I wanted to be happy and be at peace.

As if on the wings of that awareness came the following thought, “…if you want to experience all or any of that, you might want to let go of those thoughts of resentment, bitterness, judgment and guilt… in other words, you might want to Forgive.” 

At first I thought to myself, “You want me to do what?” Then I remembered the title of Workbook lesson 193, “All things are lessons God would have me learn” and the passage that states: “Each lesson has a central thought, the same in all them. The form alone is changed, with different circumstances and events; with different characters and different themes, apparent but not real. They are the same in fundamental content. It is this: Forgive, and you will see this differently.” (W-pI.193.2:3-7)

Something about the message of this lesson struck a chord. However I wasn’t sure I knew how to truly practice forgiveness, nor what it really meant “to forgive.”

I had been led to the Pathways of Light Miracles Studies Course 906: Healing Through Forgiveness as well as some other Course based material. Early in the reading of Course 906 I read, “Forgiveness is when we are willing to surrender our ideas to our Inner Teacher, the Holy Spirit, to have our thoughts returned to knowing the One Light that we all are in the Mind of God.”

Forgiveness seen from that perspective, for me, provided answers that I had been seeking. It provided the answer to: What forgiveness is; How to forgive and what to do about my unloving thoughts about my mother, myself and the current situation. I asked for guidance in practicing forgiveness and over the next couple of years my focus was on being open and willing to be taught how to practice forgiveness. 

I began, very subtly at first, to experience that same gentleness that I had felt towards my mother and myself when I first detected a shift in our relationship, only this time that feeling of gentleness extended towards other people and situations (past and current). The angst and the fear I had been experiencing that I had attributed to my mother’s prognosis had disappeared even though her condition had not changed and the prognosis was still the same. What had changed was my feelings of bitterness, resentment, judgment and guilt. I found the thought of visiting my mother no longer provoked anxiety.

Slowly but steadily my mother’s condition “miraculously” improved. She became coherent, conversant, aware of everything and everyone, with all memory (long term & short term) intact, except for the period during which she was most ill. Remarkably, she remembered none of it. She continued to live at the senior’s residence in the Assisted Living section where she literally blossomed, building relationships with other residents as well as staff. And when my daughter and I visit her, she literally comes to life and I see that same gentleness, love and joy that was expressed before her illness.

Having released — forgiven — my previous misperceptions, my mother and I share genuine laughter, express our love for each other more easily and are more at ease in each other’s company. The Course teaches that “Forgiveness Is Your Function.” It is what we are “here” to do. It’s the only thing we can do about the seeming challenges we face. I have come to understand it this way: Regardless of the problem, Forgiveness provides the solution and regardless of the question, Forgiveness is the answer.

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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