Miracles News

October-December, 2017

Healing Pain

by Rev. Rosemarie Tropf, O.M.C.

Rev. Rosemarie TropfThis article is about chronic pain and how I have been dealing with it for many years. I was told there was nothing wrong with me for such a long time but I finally received a diagnosis in the 90’s! Yes! I knew it! There is something wrong with me. I am not a hypochondriac. It’s called Fibromyalgia! Victory dance! Now, what do I do for it?

Nothing. There is no cure for fibromyalgia! How perfect is that for the ego mind? Seek and do not find a cure. But I tried anyhow! I tried every holistic cure in the world and I mean world. I even went to India to find a cure but I already knew there was no cure. I just knew it. Then I learned about Somatization. That’s when the body expresses physical pain instead of allowing emotions to surface. Yes! I knew there must be more to this diagnosis. The cure for that?

Years and years of therapy. I knew it. I really am a complicated case. After all, I suffered sexual abuse since age 4. How complicated is that? I suffered physical abuse from age 9 to 18. That’s pretty deep and very complicated to address too. So I tried therapy. Three different times. Three different wonderful, caring therapists who could see how specially complicated and delicate my case was. After five to six years of this, I grew tired of talking about the past. I preferred ACIM.

I decided I won’t talk about it anymore, I’ll just give it to Holy Spirit. The pain increased. I ended up this week having surgery on my neck removing two discs…not one but two. Isn’t that very special and complicated?

I’ve been in a neck brace for a week now with a lot of time to think. One day a thought popped into my head. What if this surgery doesn’t remove the pain of fibromyalgia? What if I stay in this pattern of pain separating me from so many activities my loved ones want me to join in? Will neck surgery cure my thought patterns? Will neck surgery turn me into an extrovert? Will neck surgery make me a top notch business woman who can now have a career? I knew the answer to all those questions. Seek and do not find.

Today’s Lesson 236 says, “I rule my mind, which I alone must rule. I have a kingdom I must rule. At times, it does not seem I am its king at all. It seems to triumph over me, and tell me what to think, and what to do and feel.”

This kingdom of mine seems to have a monkey running loose. A very strange monkey. It’s bigger than a gorilla but faster than a spider monkey. The monkey thinks it is the “king” of the kingdom because it can move at the speed of light. It is also very sly and it can hide in small spaces and even imitate Holy Spirit.

I have had periods of time when I live in peace and stillness for months at a time. Then whammo. Usually the whammo is physical pain. Because of the pain, once again the monkey begins running the kingdom. Thoughts of anger, pride, rage, specialness rule the kingdom again. But I’m a good Course student. I know better than to dramatize stupid emotions like that. I am way more together than to act like some drama queen and give in to that. I am not going there!

As a child there was chaos in our home that terrified me. Especially in the middle of the night, when it was dark, when they thought we were asleep. Thumping, screaming, running, drunken slurred threats. I was terrified of the darkness. So my mind developed a coping mechanism for this child’s interpretation of that terror which was to shut down. I used to tell people, you know you could torture me and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I don’t care. It doesn’t bother me. Nothing bothers me. That is what being shut down feels like.

I also became a do-gooder. I became a people pleaser. I became determined to save the world from chaos by finding God and teaching God to the world. I wanted everyone to do good…damn it. Why don’t people appreciate me? How could anyone not be like me? I am so nice. I am harmless. See, I am already so sick you need not be threatened by me! I am harmless and I only want to do good.

I fashioned myself after Doris Day. I even dress like her. I am the pretty girl next door who is always feeding the poor and helping out at hospice, who cares for everybody. Why doesn’t everybody like me? Why don’t they want to be like me? Very frustrating! Very disappointing. I felt a lot of cynicism creep into my mind by the time I was in my 40’s. That cynicism never left me, coloring my world dull. These were coping mechanisms that don’t work anymore, I am discovering this week. Shutting down and developing a personality that keeps the chaos at bay only adds to the problem by burying it.

As I learn to listen to Holy Spirit, I am learning to be grateful for that coping mechanism because it kept me feeling sane for a long time. But now I have to gently dismantle it. This is the peeling of the onion, as they say.

I’ve been reading a book about how the brain will express physical pain in the body instead of allowing painful emotions to surface. I remember as a kid being terrified of emotions like grief expressed as crying. If I cried, I cried giant heaving sobs that were uncontrollable.

My dad used to look at me in fear of the amount of tears I spewed over the smallest thing. I felt so sad that our home was so chaotic and upsetting. But my mum? No way was I ever allowed to cry. She was horrified by my crying. “You cut that out, Missy.” The thought of expressing rage was equally unthinkable. “Don’t you dare talk like that around here, Missy.”

I had a disproportionate terror of abandonment. I just knew that if I cried or expressed anger, I would be thrown out of the house for good (not true but who knew). Hiding emotions like this is called Somatization. That means, instead of feeling the emotions, the body feels pain. That’s a coping mechanism of the brain.

Most children from abusive families bury their emotions and so they will act out in one way or another. I learned how to disconnect from my feelings and the more I disconnected from those emotions the more physical pain I experienced. But, as Lesson 236 says, this is my kingdom and, with Holy Spirit’s help, I will learn to be mindful, to allow emotions to be exposed and to Love those emotions, no matter what they are, instead of resisting them.

Not allowing those emotions to surface is rather like trying to hold a beach ball under water. Eventually it will pop up to the surface, no matter how hard I wrestle it to hold it down. Only with Holy Spirit can I deal with the beach ball and the monkey mind that is trying to keep the beach ball under the water. No need for guilt. No need for blame. Only releasing to the Holy Spirit will heal these wounds enough until I get to the original wound of the separation.

I was terrified of abandonment. Do I feel abandoned by God? Ego mind sure does. Was I acting like a do-gooder so I wouldn’t be punished? Isn’t that an ego trick to convince God I am worthy of Her Love? “If I’m perfect enough, will God Love me?” ego says. Wouldn’t God just love Doris Day? I mean she is so sweet and so funny and so kind to everyone. “If I fix the world, won’t God let me into heaven?” ego says?

I am grateful I didn’t choose to act out as a drug addict or a promiscuous girl or a criminal. But, there is no judgment from God on “how” we act out. Acting out is fear. All fear needs is to have the Love of God shining onto it so there are no more dark corners to scare little girls who don’t know God is right there beside them, loving them, trying to tell them there is no such thing as abandonment. I am not alone. I was never alone.

Thank you God. I am so grateful for Holy Spirit, for ACIM and for my worthy companions on the path to God. We are all shining our Light into those dark corners together because God’s Love shines through us every time we choose again. Today, I choose again.

Rev. Rosemarie Tropf is a Pathways of Light minister living in Safety Harbor, Florida.  Email: .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

© 2017, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
You may freely share copies of this with your friends, provided this copyright notice and website address are included.

Tell a Friend
Printable Page

Back to main page of Miracles News.

Articles by
Pathways of Light Ministers
and Others.


Advanced Search

Pathways of Light Membership

Support Pathways of Light with an annual membership donation or become a sustaining member through monthly contributions. Includes printed Miracles News magazine mailed quarterly. Click here.

Subscribe to printed version.

To have Miracles News magazine mailed to you quarterly, Click here.

Most recent entries

Miracles News has been viewed 942333 times


Complete Archives

Subscribe to
Miracles News Online

To have Miracles News Online articles emailed to you free when they are posted each quarter, enter your email address here.

Email Address:

You will receive an email requesting confirmation. After you confirm, the Daily Inspiration articles will be emailed each day they are posted. These emails will appear in your inbox as from "FeedMyInbox." You may unsubscribe at any time. We recommend that you add "updates@feedmyinbox.com" to your address book so that the emails do not get sent to your spam box.

You may also subscribe to the RSS feed to have these messages added to your MyYahoo! page, Google Reader or Bloglines by clicking this image in your Subscribe to RSS feed browser's web address field above.

Free Online Resources

Electronic "Magazine"Sign up to receive periodic emails with thoughts to ponder, inspirational articles and the latest news.

Subscribe to daily emails of Workbook Lesson Insights.

ACIM Text Made Simple — answers to hundreds of questions about the Text. Click here.

Daily Inspiration Blog — Thoughts to inspire your day. Click here.

Inspiring journals by Pathways of Light ministers applying the principles of ACIM. Click here.

Miracles News — hundreds of inspiring miracle stories. Click here.

We'd Like to Hear from You

Request Free Printed Program & Product Catalog

Or call 1-800-323-PATH (7284) (US & Canada) or 920/894-2339.

Click here to email your questions.

Español: Para mas información oprime aquí para enviar tus preguntas por correo electrónico.

United Kingdom: Click here to email your questions about Pathways of Light in the UK or call +44 1803 612 929.

Give us your feedback or report site problems.

Pathways Ministers Audio/Videos

ACIM Minister Training

Inspired by the principles presented in A Course in Miracles, this ministry training focuses on accepting the mind healing that is guided by the Teacher within, the Holy Spirit. As our minds are healed, we become Holy Spirit’s instruments of healing. For more information click here.

ACIM Practitioner Courses

If you would like a deeper understanding of key principles of A Course in Miracles, the 24 Pathways of Light ACIM Practitioner courses provide a complete, multimedia package to help you make ACIM principles a ready resource to call upon in your mind throughout your day. Click here for more information.



More Teleconference info.


24th May 2019 ACIM Conference 2019 Boston, Rev. Maria Felipe

More In-Person Event info.

Featured Items

Tru Live Your Happy by Rev. Maria Felipe. A real-world approach to living happily, based on A Course in Miracles. Learn more.

True Forgiveness True Forgiveness by Rev. Jennifer McSween. The Proven Path from Pain to Power in 5 Simple Steps. Learn more.

Prayer for All Solutions Finding Yourself in the Mirror by Rev. Barbara Siegel. Awakening Through Mirror Affirmations for the 365 Lessons of A Course in Miracles. More….

Listen & Receive 30-Day Home Study Listen & Receive 30-Day Home Study Learn to receive insight for your life in a form that is perfect for you …heal fears, find joy & peace. Learn more.

Minister training based on A Course in Miracles Minister Training — based on principles of A Course in Miracles, including counselor training and ordination. More….

Miracles Practitioner courses24 ACIM Practitioner courses including 50-page study guide, CD's with facilitator. More….

From the Christ Mind From the Christ Mind scribed by Darrell Morley Price. A simple, yet profound message that you can immediately apply to current circumstances. More….

Hey, Holy Spirit,
It's Me Again Hey, Holy Spirit, It's Me Again by Rev. Myron Jones. An indispensable guide for anyone on the path of ACIM with insights on the 1st 90 lessons. More….

Forgiving KevinForgiving Kevin Audio book by Rev. Larry Glenz. A moving and inspiring true story of a father/son relationship that withstood seven years of addiction, recovery, and relapse. More….

Healing Family
RelationshipsHealing Family Relationships Applying the Principles of A Course in Miracles 6 CD audio book by Rev. Myron Jones. Learn how family relationships offer fertile grounds for forgiveness and healing your judgments of the world. More.