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October - December, 2006

I Can Hardly Wait to See the Good That Comes from This

by Jo Blahnik

My father and I had always had intense reaction to the world and to each other. Several years into my study of A Course in Miracles I realized that I continually remembered my past with him with agitation. Then in Workbook Lesson 21, I became determined to see things differently when I heard “a slight tinge of annoyance is nothing but a veil drawn over intense fury.”

Finally recognizing my anger, I wanted to be rid of it. Surprisingly, when studying Workbook Lesson 192 (I have a function God would have me fill) I completely missed its message of forgiveness. But when I heard, “A jailer is not free, for he is bound together with his prisoner,” I realized that by reliving memories of our past together I was choosing to hold us both in that position.

I saw his pain with life and mine, and how the past seemed to forever bind us both. I wanted to let it all go, asking Holy Spirit how to release our dance of death. The exercise in Lesson 21 reappeared and so for an entire summer I devoted myself to relooking at every memory of him that came up with Holy Spirit as my Guide.

When looked at again with honesty, it appeared that early fearful childhood images were imposed on every image that followed for the next 50 years. But relooking at it with Holy Spirit’s perspective, applying the truth of the Atonement to each individual situation I could remember, they looked like nothing. I realized I was wrong about them all and soon after that even their memory faded like dust in the wind.

Following this exercise, each encounter with my father became an opportunity to express love and caring, and to enjoy each other more. It became not about what I was carrying against him but about expressing loving toward him. He immediately sensed the difference and was grateful for another way of relating also. We enjoyed much happiness together and his life in all areas seemed happier.

He was later diagnosed with terminal cancer and began a gradual decline. At that time I had begun receiving the Pathways of Light Workbook healing perspectives (which are posted on the website and sent as e-mails) and the study was Lesson 24 “I do not perceive my own best interests.”

The Pathways perspective was about the process of releasing to Holy Spirit, culminating in, “I can hardly wait to see the good that comes from this.” I wondered, how I could get to the meaning that statement relative to my father dying? I wrote down what I heard from their posting:

My perception is limited,  therefore, I don’t know anything.  I need Holy Spirit to show what this is in every moment.  I will receive what is helpful and learn what is helpful.  I give all expectations over to Him.  Holy Spirit, You be in charge. I can hardly wait to see the good that comes from this. I printed a happy family picture with that message listed below it and placed copies around the house, in drawers, and at my desk at work. Time and again daily I looked at it and thought about what it would take for me to really mean it. It was in that practice that a further intent developed: to hold on to nothing that was untrue, to release my father completely to who he really is by me knowing it and holding it for him.

I was blessed to be with my father for his final week and during his passing. I took my place at his side, wanting to quietly give love and nothing else. It was a week filled with so many opportunities for forgiveness and release of outcome, so many shifts in perception, so many amazing miracles.

My intention was to hold firmly to allowing Holy Spirit to do whatever was required in every situation for Dad, myself, and everyone. The days blended. And then finally Dad and I were alone and quiet, and Holy Spirit’s vision was all there was. We experienced a feeling of true complete Love, a Love I didn’t know was possible. It felt like pure Love (not just glimpsed but sustained), without any other thing present in my mind! Nothing else present. Nothing else existing. One self with each other and all things.

The Course talks about seeing the face of Christ in another. At that time, I knew that he and I were everyone. And in that knowing, I felt a total connection and commitment to everyone. My Dad had a “wonder-filled” passing. Being a part of his passing is the greatest gift he ever gave me. Thank you Holy Spirit for this total release of all we thought the world was.

Interestingly now, almost a year later, I’ve found that even after this experience, I’m not walking around totally blissed out all the time. Ego activity still presents itself plenty. This world is still false and it is easy to wander away from the truth. I need to watch my thoughts, remember my intention in all things, realize I know nothing, but Holy Spirit is ever present and does know, recommit moment by moment to the truth of the Atonement that we never left the Mind of God and nothing in this world is true.

Lately, though, I marvel that I can finally say and mean, “I am here only to be truly helpful. I am here to represent Him who sent me….. “ Releasing all things to His vision I gladly say, “I can hardly wait to see the good that comes from this.”

© 2006, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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