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October-December, 2012

My Latest Teacher Is a Dog

by Rev. Susan Lewis, O.M.c.

When I get up this morning, our dog is whining in her crate in the dining room, a pan of rice is on the stove and there’s a note from my husband on the table. “Have taken Katy out 2X and fed her rice. Sorry to leave you the (poopy) mess on dog cushions, now in garage. Ran out of time.”

Sigh. The body’s senses report that our two-year-old rescue dog obviously had to go again after my husband left, which is why she’s standing up in her crate, whining and wagging her tail guiltily (my projection). I clean it up, pop the cushions in the washing machine and take her outside.

Did I mention that we had to purchase a rug cleaning machine last month because this messy drama has played out so often since Katy came to us six months ago? Ugh. This should not be happening again… I cannot do this anymore, I think for the umpteenth time in months.

I notice that I am arguing with form and remember that this never brings peace. Sitting down, I take a deep breath, close my eyes and soften my body. I repeat Lessons 5, 6 and 7 from the Workbook, as I am often guided to do these days: “I am never upset for the reason I think. I am upset because I see something that is not there. I see only the past.” Once again, Holy Spirit returns me to peace by reminding me that I am making this illusory drama real.

I call my husband (who’s also a Course student) to say good morning. He apologizes, saying he thinks Katy must have eaten something “bad” when he was walking her and he didn’t pull her away fast enough. I remind him that no one is to blame for this ongoing ego drama and that we will never resolve it by taking on the guilty cloak of responsibility. He agrees and we let it go.

As I write this, the helpful reminder from the Opening Preparation of the Pathways courses comes to me: I am willing to look at my life circumstances as helpful feedback that tells me where there is still a need to heal my mind.

Katy, who came into our lives through Holy Spirit’s gentle invitation, has certainly been a catalyst for healing my mind. About six months ago I was in the car with my son when the words came out of my mouth: “We’re going to get a dog.” Nobody was more surprised than me to hear these words. I hadn’t planned to say them but as soon as they were out I knew it was true and had a feeling that we were in for one of those ‘sorting out what’s real and what isn’t’ lessons.

About a month later, Katy arrived. She’s a two-year-old “rescue” who is sensitive, sweet-natured and wants very much to please. She can also be fearful and anxious. (Gosh, she sounds a lot like me!) Katy’s forgiveness invitations that have challenged every member of our family, including the cat, and have included cat chasing, car chasing, leash pulling, jumping up on people, growling and barking at strangers, getting on furniture when nobody’s around, squeaking her toys when I’m on the phone, interrupting me when I’m trying to meditate, and this loose bowels situation, which feels like a real deal-breaker to the ego.

Yet the gift Katy has opened up for me is to help me see how the guilt of separation continues to play itself out in a fantasy of personal responsibility on my part. I get hooked whenever I imagine that I am in charge of Katy’s well-being or that she can affect mine. When “I” can’t figure out how to make her do what I need her to do, I believe I’m justified in getting frustrated and angry. To top it off, I feel ashamed for getting angry at the innocent dog who is just doing what she’s doing. And because I decided that “I” am in charge and not Holy Spirit, the idea that giving Katy back to the rescue organization unearths another limiting belief: Good people don’t abandon those in need. So I’m damned no matter what I try to do — the ego’s creed of ‘seek but do not find,’ as the Course puts it.

It’s now one week later and I see clearly that Holy Spirit is using Katy’s presence in my life to invite me to bring every guilty, angry limiting belief to Him so that I can deepen my commitment to choosing peace in all circumstances. He has made it possible for me to let go of needing to decide how to survive this canine whirlwind and just take it moment by moment. As I look in Katy’s beautiful brown eyes, I feel very deeply the great gift of healing that she has made possible, and I am so grateful. I don’t know where our family and Katy will end up, and I no longer need to know. Today we had a beautiful walk and a ride in the car. It wasn’t perfect but it was good. Right now Katy’s taking a snooze behind my chair and I’m glad she’s here. That is enough. All is well. Thank you, Holy Spirit.

© 2012, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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