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October-December, 2023

Roses of Forgiveness

by Rev. Robin Singler, Ordained Ministerial Counselor

I’ve recently had the opportunity to look at a destructive and depressed part of my mind, a very dark thought pattern, as it rose up and seemed to take over me for an evening. It’s a part of me that I’ve been carrying around all my life, sometimes more in the background, and sometimes right in my face.

I’ve tried to mask, demonize, ignore and push it aside, but it’s still there. I’ve tried to talk myself out of these beliefs using metaphysical logic, tough love self-talk (which amounts to yelling at myself), self-help mumbo-jumbo, and A Course in Miracles concepts. I have also admonished myself for having this pattern in my life, and for all of the behavior it leads me to do, or not to do. The shame has been crushing on and off throughout my life, just for it being part of me and seeming so strong and real. It is a place of distraction, of putting off what is truly helpful, joyful or fulfilling. It is a hopeless, sad, depressed, dejected part of my identity that represents a lack of self-love and care.

It tells me of having no motivation to rise up, to love and be loved, to put effort into anything meaningful, yet this part also dreams of a future release into a passion-filled life of purpose and childlike joy that is free of these beliefs of unworthiness. While it used to run the show in my life in far more overt ways, it is indeed still there, lurking in the shadows and pulling the strings on this Robin-puppet.

As the thought pattern came up and I found myself listening to it, believing it yet again, letting it take me on its hellish journey, I decided I was NOT going to let the wave overtake and crush me this time. Even as the tears started and the hopelessness came over me and the unwanted behavior was taking place with my body, a deeper part of me (the decision maker) refused to allow this thought pattern to go unchecked and unchallenged. I could hear it calling for Love; to be faced and healed; to be laid down in a way that hadn’t been possible before.

In this experience of darkness, shame and doom, I realized that by hiding and judging this set of beliefs; by keeping it buried under layers of coping maneuvers and numbing, I’ve protected this aspect of my self from being healed fully. I have been secretly believing the hurtful story it was telling me, which is why it has been so upsetting when it has come up before. If I didn’t believe it was true, it wouldn’t upset me and control me so much.

My power of belief is strong, not the thoughts themselves. The thought pattern has lingered because I have allowed it to. In the past when I’ve recognized this truth that I do this to myself, a wave of crushing guilt would follow and knock me over into further insanity. But it’s different now. I’ve done a lot of inner work, and now it is time to really look at this hopeless part of me. I must be ready and, despite the pain and discomfort, this is very good news.

As A Course in Miracles practitioner, I’ve been taught that my task, or my job, as I live my life is to practice true forgiveness. This means to pay attention to how I feel, and to look at my life and my thoughts without judgment. By looking at anything without judgment (from a detached place of acceptance), I am seeing it truly, and this is forgiveness. Looking at something without judgment frees me from the beliefs that cause the strife and suffering I otherwise experience. This is true for ALL things, whether it is a person, circumstance, memory, or a thought pattern. 

At my bedside are yellow roses that my sweet partner gave me last week, and they are reaching the end of their life cycle, with brown, crispy petals hanging off the stems. They have been drying up and disintegrating a little more each day this last week, leading up to this healing experience I’m in.

Their withered state seems a perfect symbol of the thoughts of unworthiness in my mind, and the task of looking at what could easily be judged as ugly and unacceptable. It’s so easy to judge and reject what doesn’t shine so bright, what is old and dried up, brown and dying and unpleasant. But who is deciding what is unpleasant and unacceptable? The world, or some other person? No, it’s me. I can pass the buck for only so long, but if I want my peace and joy restored to me, I’m going to have to give up ALL thoughts that judge, even about the brown rose petals and the dark thoughts.

It’s time to take FULL responsibility for the thoughts that I choose to believe in and keep alive in my mind. These roses are just like the depressed thought patterns of unworthiness that I’m looking at, worn out and tired. Yet there they are, taking up space in my life, on display for me to see. And until I fully acknowledge them they’ll never reach the trash can of forgiveness and will continue to take up space in my mind and life. 

To let them be there rather than shove them away; to look at them fully, to see them for what they are without needing them to be different, they are so innocent and beautiful to me. As I observe them with neutrality, with compassion, free of condemnation and attack, they can be gently discarded when their usefulness is completed.

The mind and heart healing is not my job; Spirit will do that for me if I step back and do my part. My part is to look, and wait, and judge not without pushing away or using denial tactics. And so, having seen and felt the thought pattern of unworthiness, today these old false thoughts are offered to Spirit to be laid to rest in His perfect timing.
They aren’t good or bad; they simply aren’t needed or useful any longer, nor are they true. But they have served their purpose very well, just as the once-yellow roses have. They have both brought me to a place of gratitude, Love and Joy, in their own unique ways. All things do work for good. Always.  

I am so grateful for this experience of diving into my own private darkness. It was all worth it. Along with the roses, my false thoughts are fading into oblivion. I feel so much lighter and I actually believe that the healing of this old unworthiness script in my mind is possible, and is happening NOW. In their place, new, fresh and bright thoughts will take hold; thoughts that I share with Eternity …thoughts and beliefs that shine with Truth, Joy, unconditional Love, compassion and innocence. 

May the mind be free of all suffering through this forgiveness practice, and in the meantime, may my life be filled with fresh, colorful flowers:)

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