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July-September, 2013

Teach Me How Not to Make of This an Obstacle to Peace

by Rev. Judy Rae Angus, O.M.C.

This is my favorite and oft-used prayer from ACIM:

Take this from me and look upon it, judging it for me. Let me not see it as a sign of sin and death, nor use it for destruction. Teach me how not to make of it an obstacle to peace. But let You use it for me, to facilitate its coming. (T-19.IV.C.11:8-10)

I was raised Catholic, and in times of stress I can still awake in the middle of the night to find myself saying the ‘Hail Mary’ over and over. Consciously I have replaced that prayer with the above prayer. It is useful for any upset, great or small.

Recently I have had cause to use this prayer of surrender, over and over, in a challenge ‘bigger’ than any I have been confronted with in my life so far. (I put bigger in quotes because the Course says there is no order of difficulty in miracles, no matter what the ego says!) My 27 year old son took his own life last year — deliberately crossed over to ‘the other side.’ Notice your own reaction as I share that with you, and join me for a moment and read the prayer again.

Yes, indeed, this is where the rubber meets the road, as they say. Even now? Can I do this? I asked myself. Do I really know what I’ve been saying I know, or believe?

This experience has been an alternately terrifying, torturing, amazing, horrifying, and full of big Love; a spiritual, ego-filled, roller coaster of emotions and experiences — experiences of separation with ego, and very powerful joining with loved ones and Spirit.

This circumstance is one of many horrors and tragedies in this world that we have been taught to fear. If my son had passed on due to cancer, everyone would tell me it was ‘God’s will.’ But they are not saying that. It strikes a deep, deep fear in people’s hearts, not just because we are parents who have outlived their child — fearful enough, but also that our son made this decision to leave earthly life. And what’s more, by destroying his body in a violent method — in front of a train. What he has done is so shocking and disturbing to the ego — not just mine, but everyone’s I come in contact with, that it is all but incomprehensible to most. He has destroyed the body. There is a part of our minds that reacts — ‘Boy, you are really in for it now, buddy. You have done the ultimate. You will surely be punished.’

If the body is the ego’s temple, held holier than anything else in this world, and at all costs to protect, then destroying it intentionally would seem to be the ultimate no-no, the worst possible thing that could happen. Because now, not only have you lost your body, but if you are a spirit, now you will be punished as well! The ego then lives on! Still separated, in fear of punishment by God. This fear in us raises the body to the highest importance and equates it with who we are.

So. What do I believe? What do I know? Do I believe what ACIM says? Really? How about now? Who is Ryan? Where is he? And — what does that make me?

If Ryan is not a body — (which he certainly is not now, even if my ego viewed him that way before) — and Ryan is free, then what am I believing if I am fearful and in pain? My ego at this point is extremely uncomfortable to say the least. It is terrorized. It is overwhelmed. It is stunned. It wants to get comfortable again, but it cannot.

This is actually a blessing.

Uncomfortable, nightmarish and extremely painful, but— transformation and a willingness to let go of ego views are possible now, more than ever. The ego has no answers; it is quiet. It is amazingly silent sometimes.

I have been aware almost since the day this happened, of two things going on. One, my earthly human ‘mommy’ grief and bodily reaction of trauma and pain; and two, my Spirit knowing he is with God now, experiencing the ‘beyond the physical’ — he is Home. What those two things are is this: The ego’s view, and the Holy Spirit’s view, in the starkest, harshest contrast I have ever seen it in my mind and experience. In the beginning, I would only ping-pong back and forth between these two states — terror, and a peace that passes all understanding. I have received no more powerful teaching than this. It is a 24 hour, 7 days a week teaching. When I look at this through the eyes of my worldly personality self, I am instantly in tremendous grief and horror. All the questions with no answers. All the resistance to ‘death.’ All the guilt and responsibility questions a parent has. Could I have done more? What did I do? What didn’t I do? The wrongness of it. The tragedy. The mistake. The finality of it. I can come to terms with ‘death’, but this? Suicide? My child?

Then I reach out for the Holy Spirit — when I ask for a miracle, a shift in perception — and I see Ryan as he really is. I can breathe again. I can know ‘only the Love is real.’ Then I am in peace, my heart open to Love more fully than ever before.

This will you look upon when you decide there is not one appearance you would hold in place of who [Ryan] really is. (T-30.VIII.6:1) 

But do not give it power to replace the changeless in him in your sight of him. There is no false appearance but will fade, if you request a miracle instead. There is no pain from which he is not free, if you would have him be who he is. (T-30.VIII.6:4-6) 
But not while you would have it otherwise in some respects. For this but means you would not have him healed and whole. The Christ in him is perfect. Is it this that you would look upon? Then let there be no dreams about him that you would prefer to seeing this. (T-30.VIII.5:3-7)

This quote is startling to me in its stark and clear-cut — simple, but not easy — rendition of the challenge I am facing. When I imagine Ryan’s pain, when I imagine him facing the train, when I imagine what happened to his body — I have the worldly, bodily reaction I was trained to have — pain, grief, terror. But all that is not who he really is. He is spirit. We all are. He is only spirit now. He left the body. And oh, what an overwhelming idea it is to his mom that his body is gone! My choice of thought systems could not be more apparent at every minute of every day. Ego? Spirit? Ego? Spirit? With one, I am crumbled in grief. With the other, I am uplifted and in Love, at Peace, joined with Ryan’s spirit and all healing.

When the grief and horror arise in my chest and throat and mind, I ask the Holy Spirit to be with me as I recognize the fear of the ego, and ‘choose it not.’ Divine Love ‘is the strength in which I trust’ to face this, and bring healing for myself and the world. There is not one false appearance of Ryan that I would cherish — that I would want to keep and let it define who he is. He was exhibiting the pain of the world, the pain of the ego, the pain of a human being feeling separate and not being able to see the Light. And needing that very Light so much! A tremendous call for Love. That’s who his ego thought he was — and I will not stare at the train tracks and decide to agree with his ego by holding that picture and wailing over it.

Up until now in my life, my connection to Spirit and my spiritual practice was a top priority in my life. It had to come first, just as you put your own oxygen mask on first. That doesn’t mean it was a constant priority, just gradually, over the years, more and more where I would hang out. But now? It is a constant priority. It is oxygen to me. I cannot function without it, and it is my only function. The dramatic and stark contrast between the ego’s thought system and that of the Holy Spirit is literally shocking to behold in my mind.

It is much, much too painful to stay with the thoughts of the ego now. It seems to me that grief is the extreme emotional evidence of feeling separation. Ryan, also, whether he realized it or not, found it much too painful to stay in the world of the ego. And if I stare at the train tracks, I am letting the ego crush me, as it did him. He found no value in this world, but he could not see the real world.

Everything my ego thought is up in smoke. The ego house is burning. The ego is cowering in terror and grief. It is quiet. Everything it believed and thought is open to question. It is falling apart, crumbling as so much sand. Nothing looks the same. The meaningless is seen as the meaningless, every minute of every day. I have cried out, where are you? The ego has no answers. His form is gone. His vehicle is no more. Who is he, then? My fierce love and longing leads me to find the answer: Where is he now? Who is he? The answer not only assuages my grief and heartache, but is my salvation, before me in an intense lesson that cannot be missed. The changeless Spirit in him is what I must realize, and know now. Only that. And when I do, I realize and know who I am, who you are, and what the purpose of the world is. The Real, the changeless Spirit of Love, is recognized everywhere. The Love is powerful, and amazing! I’ve been upset and agonizing over things that are not Real, thinking they can threaten the Real!

The Holy Spirit’s thought system, the real world, is only found in the present moment. If I move outside the present moment, I am burned like putting my hand on a hot stove. If I agonize over the past and what happened — I call this ‘going through the rubble’ or ‘staring at the train tracks’ — I am burned immediately. If I look at the future of never again seeing my son in the physical — burned again. What a teaching! It is constant, 24/7, and very obvious and powerful. I cannot live, I cannot breathe, outside this present moment. I cannot live without the awareness of Spirit. Nothing else matters.

My husband is experiencing a spiritual awakening. He says, ‘I used to be a person for whom spirituality was (holding his arm out) over here. It wasn’t that important to me. But now? It’s right here (hand to heart). I consider that — a gift from my son.’ It’s quite the wild ride.

Love is the only way through this. The love of our family and friends is nothing short of phenomenal. We have never experienced such an outpouring of love in our lives. This has affected many others powerfully as well. My prayer has been that this will be a catalyst for spiritual awakening for all who are affected by this. And we are seeing miracles occur in other’s lives as well.

In my tremendous desire to know who he really is — and nothing else — I come to know who I really am, who we all are. It’s as necessary for me to reach out for this knowing as it is to breathe right now.

My choice — I will use this for my awakening. Will you join me?

A message I received from Spirit: What is not Love is a call for Love, always. Respond accordingly. There is no death. Truly, there is no separation. All are joined in Love and wholeness, and all events are triggering your desire to know this, nudging you toward realization. When faced with a very difficult situation, notice that you tense up and feel you have no choice but to be upset; you think ‘anyone would.’ But also notice that your tenseness, your upset, your grief… take you deeper into the ego’s world… which certainly doesn’t hold your answer… and is further from the Help you need most — the Light.

This is a powerful example showing that the ego’s reactions… while considered ‘normal’ and entirely understood by almost everyone… are not helpful, do not lead to peace, and do not lead to God. Yes, this is awful as the world judges it; however, if you stay in that perception the rest of your life you are building a prison for yourself.

It is your choice.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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