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October-December, 2013

What Is It For?

by Rev. Jennifer McSween, M.A., O.M.C.

I must have decided wrongly because I was no longer at peace with the decision I made four years ago to have my mother return to live in Trinidad and come back to Montreal for visits twice a year. She had not visited for the last year and a half however, due to a relapse of her illness. As she was now able to travel again, I began to make arrangements for her next visit and found myself feeling “guilty” about not having her live with me and seriously questioning whether I had made the right decision.

In a past Miracles News article entitled, Forgiveness Is the Answer, I had written about my mother’s return to Montreal in 2003, her subsequent illness and how I had become responsible for handling her personal affairs and making key decisions concerning her life.

I am my mother’s only child and she had neither spouse nor partner. I had written about how conflicted I felt during this period — wanting to be there lovingly for my mom but feeling “put-upon,” resentful and angry. I wrote about the surprising realization that I had still been harboring feelings of anger and resentment towards my mother and about asking Holy Spirit for help and being guided to see and use the situation as an opportunity to practice forgiveness. Hence the title of the article, Forgiveness Is the Answer.

Due to the nature of her illness, she was no longer able to live alone and needed professional geriatric care. The prognosis was that her condition could get worse or stay the same so her apartment was given up and she moved into the Geriatric Institute in 2004.

In 2009 her condition had stabilized and improved to the point where she no longer needed ongoing professional geriatric care, however she still couldn’t live alone. At this time keeping her at the Geriatric Institute had become a financial challenge, so I had to make other living arrangements for her.

Moving in with me was not an option because, although a lot of healing had occurred in our relationship, the dynamics between us could hardly be described as “Hallmark Moments.”

Though my mother provided for me from birth through high school and we kept in touch via letters, telephone calls and visits, we’ve never lived together. I was raised by my maternal grandmother from the time I was three months old.

When my mother returned to Montreal to live in 2003, it was the first time we were living in the same country let alone the same city, since I was eight years old. In 2003 I was 45 years old. We have very different approaches, ways of communicating and expressing ourselves and I always felt the need to be on the defensive around my mom. So the thought of having her move in with me did not lend to the experience of peace.

What I wanted most was for her to live in a place where she would feel safe, be treated lovingly, become socially active in some way, be within close proximity of her church so she could become an active member again and have some relative form of independence. Or so I thought.

Living with me she would be dependent on me to be driving her to and from church as well as her social activities etc. Given my already full schedule, I would not be available for her in that way either.

The idea to take her back to Trinidad felt like it was divinely guided. There was a relative of ours (a great aunt) living in Trinidad whom my mom lived with growing up as a sister. She invited my mom to come live with her for a while. They were always very close and had kept in touch over the years. This great aunt lived in the same area in which she and my mom grew up. It is still a very close-knit and socially active community.

She practices the same religion as my mother, and what’s more she and her entire family hold key positions and are actively involved in the church. They are within walking distance of just about everything and best of all my mom was open to the idea and I felt she would be treated lovingly and be well cared for. It seemed ideal so off she went.

For the first two years my mother would come back every six months for a three week visit. On each of those visits there would be lots of tension, not only between my mom and me, but also between my husband and me and my daughter and me.

I would literally become emotionally unavailable for everyone; including my self. So I couldn’t understand why I was now feeling guilty about not having her live with me.

According to the Course my feeling guilty was the result of my acting unlovingly: “Whenever you are not wholly joyous, it is because you have reacted with a lack of love to one of God’s creations.” (T-5.VII.5:1)

However, I thought that my decision to not have her live with me was an act of love; but “I must have decided wrongly, because I am not at peace” (with this decision). (T-5.VII.6:7) I really wanted to be at peace with this and most of all to be and feel loving. I asked for guidance.

I had started doing the Workbook again and the lesson for this particular day was Workbook Lesson 133. “I will not value what is valueless.” This lesson teaches that every choice is a choice for everything or nothing. When you make a choice for everything, you experience peace. When it’s a choice for nothing, you experience guilt. The lesson gives four tests by which you can distinguish the choice for everything from the choice for nothing. First, the thing must be eternal. Second, it cannot be at the expense of another or taken away from another. Third, what is it for? What purpose does it serve? Last, if you feel any guilt about your choice, it is a choice for nothing.

I decided to put the decision to not have my mother live with me to the test. The first two were sound. When I applied the third test, asking myself what purpose it served, I felt like a light went on in my mind! I suddenly realized that my main purpose for not having her live with me was for “defense.” I realized that I had perceived her presence as a potential for attack, so even though I did want her to be safe, treated lovingly, have a life and all that, the motivating factor for sending her away was an act of defense and therefore an unloving act. This was the cause of my feelings of guilt and therefore naturally led to failure of the last test — experiencing guilt about your choice.

The Course teaches that purpose is everything. It’s not what I’m choosing that matters or determines how anything unfolds, but why I have chosen it. In Chapter 17 the Course states, “In any situation in which you are uncertain, the first thing to consider, very simply, is ‘What do I want to come of this? What is it for?’ The clarification of the goal belongs at the beginning, for it is this which will determine the outcome.” (T-17.VI.2:1-3)

I was given the insight to perceive my mother as a “forgiveness partner” — a forgiveness partner being anyone who seems to take me off my peace and anything with which I am not at peace. Having this new perspective, I can now use every thought of fear of attack by my mother as an opportunity to practice forgiveness. In so doing I am making a decision that will serve the purpose of love and healing for both of us.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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