Together, We Light the Way

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Study of the Text 7-24-13

III. Love Without Conflict, Paragraph, 7
7-24-13
7 It has never really entered your mind to give up every idea you ever had that opposes knowledge. You retain thousands of little scraps of fear that prevent the Holy One from entering. Light cannot penetrate through the walls you make to block it, and it is forever unwilling to destroy what you have made. No one can see through a wall, but I can step around it. Watch your mind for the scraps of fear, or you will be unable to ask me to do so. I can help you only as our Father created us. I will love you and honour you and maintain complete respect for what you have made, but I will not uphold it unless it is true. I will never forsake you any more than God will, but I must wait as long as you choose to forsake yourself. Because I wait in love and not in impatience, you will surely ask me truly. I will come in response to a single unequivocal call.

I read this paragraph, and then I went back and read it slowly out loud. I am going to copy it and re-read it often. It has finally occurred to me that I must give up every idea that opposes knowledge. I watch my mind vigilantly for those scraps of fear that block the Holy One from entering. I ask Jesus to step around this wall of fear I have constructed and to help me undo what I have done.

If I am ready to let some false belief go, I will be aware of it and I will ask for correction. Sometimes, I have some resistance and I will pick it back up again, but I will just repeat the process. I will do this as often as it takes to convince myself that I am ready to be free of the obstructing belief. Jesus patiently waits on me to be certain this is what I want, but then he answers me and does so as often as it takes.

There are some scraps of fear that I seem to need to let go in bits. I let go a little at a time. I peel back a layer and discard it, then when I am ready, I approach it again and work on the next layer. Jesus, again, is patient with me, and works with me as I take this gentle approach. He would not want me to move faster than I can do so without causing myself to retreat into fear.

The really stubborn beliefs, the ones I am most resistant to, seem to hide behind confusion. I will think that I just don’t understand. I will be unable to find the obstructing belief.  I will forget what it is I am forgiving. I will even forget how to forgive. The stories that represent the hidden beliefs may not seem like “big deals” but really, it isn’t the story that matters, but the belief that made the story. Calling it a little thing, unimportant and unworthy of my time, is just another way to hide the belief and prevent myself from asking for healing. All errors are equal, and none are bigger or worse; they are simply true or not true.

Sometimes I will ask for healing of something, and even as I ask I hear the reluctance, the lack of conviction in my voice. I hate when that happens because I don’t know what to do about it. I am trapped by my own foolish desires. That happened this morning. I asked Jesus to help me with a false belief, and I knew that I wasn’t being unequivocal, that part of me didn’t want the help. But I told Jesus that I needed help to let go of that reluctance. Then I had the thought that I know there is an ego desire to hide this scrap of fear, but I am not the ego and “I” don’t want it. I want to be free! I am willing to see whatever needs to be seen. Please look with me, Jesus.

I am going to stop writing this morning, and tomorrow I am going to take a second look at this paragraph.

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Study of the Text 7-23-13

III. Love Without Conflict, Paragraph, 6
7-23-13

6 No force except your own will is strong enough or worthy enough to guide you. In this you are as free as God, and must remain so forever. Let us ask the Father in my name to keep you mindful of His Love for you and yours for Him. He has never failed to answer this request, because it asks only for what He has already willed. Those who call truly are always answered. Thou shalt have no other gods before Him because there are none.

It seems obvious to me that when Jesus talks about the force of my own will, he does not speak of the ego will, but the will that made the ego. It is this self that must be willing to be healed before healing will occur. God will not coerce us into accepting His Love. We must decide on healing and thus ask for healing before we can be healed. It is this I do when I am vigilant for the thoughts that oppose the Will of God, become willing to release them, and so accept the Atonement.

I like the second line of this paragraph, which suggests that I ask God, in the name of Jesus Christ, to keep me mindful of His love for me and also to keep me mindful of my love for Him. In other places in the Course we are told to pray in Jesus’ name. I forget this most of the time, to tell the truth, but I like the idea that I am joining my will with his. When two join for the same purpose the intent is magnified, and when I join my will with the will of Jesus, I am expressing the desire to join my true will with one who has only truth in his mind. This has got to be a good idea.

Jesus also refers to true prayer in this paragraph. He says we should pray that we remember God’s Love, that He loves us and that we love Him. Often, in intent if not actual words, I pray for something that I think will take the place of His Love. I pray for a thinner body, more money, a relationship, that I will be liked and accepted, that my kids will be safe, and many other idols.

I don’t say these words in the form of a prayer anymore, because I understand on one level that this is not necessary, that all my needs are met in God’s Love. But every thought is prayer and my longing is a thought. So when I put my pants on and can barely snap them at the waist, I am disappointed and concerned and want them to fit well. This is a prayer and it is a prayer for an idol. It is teaching me that I could be happy if only my pants fit nicely and I would stop gaining weight.

Instead, I notice this thought and I remember that a thinner body is not the source of my happiness regardless of my present reasoning. I ask that my mind be healed of this belief, and I accept the Atonement for myself in this situation. Another way to say this is that I see I am praying for the wrong thing. I pray only that I be aware of my love for God and His love for me, because this is the only thing that will ever make me happy. I join my will to Jesus’s will in this true prayer.

I am happy to give up the god of thin bodies, and the god of finances and all the other false gods. I have been praying to them all my life and even when my prayers seem to be answered, the answers have never satisfied. In truth, there are no other gods, and I am just praying to illusions. There is only one meaningful prayer and that is to remember God’ Love. In His Love, all things are met.

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Study of the Text 7-22-13

III. Love Without Conflict, Paragraph, 5
7-22-13

5 There is a kind of experience so different from anything the ego can offer that you will never want to cover or hide it again. It is necessary to repeat that your belief in darkness and hiding is why the light cannot enter. The Bible gives many references to the immeasurable gifts which are for you, but for which you must ask. This is not a condition as the ego sets conditions. It is the glorious condition of what you are.

I still believe in the dark. I still believe in the ego belief system of separation. But I questioned that darkness and my little willingness to see through it has cracked it open and light is coming in. Once light shown through the shadowy darkness, I saw how insubstantial the darkness really is, and I long for more light. So what keeps me from throwing the doors wide open and allowing light to flood my mind?

Truly, I don’t know. I creep around in the darkness with what little light I will allow myself, peeking cautiously into dark corners, asking for the gift of clarity for this one little area, and then another. Never once have I regretted uncovering the deception that lies in the darkness, and never once has my discovery caused me pain or suffering. But the ego still insists that I am being asked to sacrifice my own will for the will of a vengeful and jealous God, and insanely I stand here cautious and uncertain, wondering if this time it could be true.

My progress has been slow, but it has been steady and certain and there is no chance I will creep back under the covers and hide my head. I want to wake up! It feels like it is time and I am ready, so I swallow my disappointment in my reluctance to just throw wide the doors and welcome the Christ with open arms. I continue the slow methodical search for dark thoughts and I try to keep nothing from Jesus.

Usually this is a pretty straightforward job. I notice that a judgmental thought about someone and I realize that thought, that bit of darkness, must be brought to the light. My happiness depends on it. Behind that dark thought are the gifts of God, but I cannot get to them while I cling to my judgment. Light will not penetrate my desire to hide from it. I’ve done this often enough to look forward to the moment of enlightenment as I allow the thought to be undone in my mind.

What I realize now is that bringing the judgmental thoughts to the light are helping me to wake up, but that as I continue to do this I am just poking around in the dark, choosing the judgments I am ready to expose to the light. This is why it feels like an endless process. I am being invited to skip to the end, to just pull aside the veil and welcome in the glorious light. Would I like to give up the very idea of judgment? With that gift, all the judgmental thoughts will all go at once, replaced with peace and joy, and love.

The thought makes my heart sing and I think, surely, I am ready now! How many of these useless thoughts am I going to uncover before I am ready to laugh away the whole idea of judgment. What has it ever gotten me? Why do I protect it as if judging were my last hope of salvation? It is not! The thought that I might expose the very idea of judgment to the Light swells me with anticipation, but then I notice that little reluctance hiding in my desire for light. It is not even a thought, just a feeling of pulling back. What? Am I crazy? Apparently so. Some insane part of me thinks there may yet be use for judgment.

I swear I don’t know why I fight for the right to judge. But of course, I do know. I just don’t want to look that closely. I would give the thought to the Holy Spirit, but I would be clutching it so tightly, He could not take it from me. It is like we were fighting over it, a spiritual tug of war, but actually I was only fighting with myself. I give it up. No, I can’t. Yes, I give it up. Then I pull it close, clutching it feverishly to my self. Stop it, Myron! Just stop it. Conflict is exhausting. I took a two hour nap yesterday just to recover enough strength to go to sleep. I am absolutely ridiculous.

It would make me sad if it were not so funny. I will not indulge the ego with fear of failure. I already fell for its story of struggle and now that I see it so clearly, I laugh at myself and I surrender. “Holy Spirit, I surrender my dark thought to you. I don’t know what to do with it. I cannot make myself think differently, but I want a clear mind. I offer you the darkness alongside my sincere desire and trust you know what to do with it. I want to let go of the belief I have any use for judgment. Please strengthen my resolve. Thank You, God. I love You, God.”

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 7-19-13

III. Love Without Conflict, Paragraph 4
7-19-13
4 You who identify with your ego cannot believe God loves you. You do not love what you made, and what you made does not love you. Being made out of the denial of the Father, the ego has no allegiance to its maker. You cannot conceive of the real relationship that exists between God and His creations because of your hatred for the self you made. You project onto the ego the decision to separate, and this conflicts with the love you feel for the ego because you made it. No love in this world is without this ambivalence, and since no ego has experienced love without ambivalence the concept is beyond its understanding. Love will enter immediately into any mind that truly wants it, but it must want it truly. This means that it wants it without ambivalence, and this kind of wanting is wholly without the ego’s “drive to get.”

I really get that all love in the ego world is ambivalent. There are conditions on even the strongest love I am capable of experiencing. For me that would be the love for my children. I love them so very much, and yet I feel that love in degrees. When they please me I feel the love more strongly than when they displease me. I hate saying that, but it is the truth. The love I feel for them is all mixed up with ego neediness and ego judgment. When I am able to detach from the mother role and think of us all as aspects of the same Self, I feel something that is much closer to actual love and that love does not waver.

Jesus says that real love is without ambivalence because it is wholly without the ego’s “drive to get.” Here is an example of how I see the “drive to get” showing up in my relationships with my children. For Mother’s Day, my youngest son sent me a really lovely card. He talked about what a good mother and good person I am. He congratulated me on my fulfilling spiritual life and talked about how it brings comfort and inspiration to others. It was especially touching to me because he recognized what matters to me and was willing to acknowledge it even though it is not important to him.

One of my daughters was there and I showed it to her. She was touched too, and then she said, “No wonder he’s your favorite.” I laughed at that and reassured her that I don’t have a favorite child. This is true because I love them all equally, but in that moment, she was right. In that moment, this child of mine had provided me with the ego need to be acknowledged and elevated. In that moment that made him very special to me, and so in the ego thinking, I loved him with special love.

Later I was thinking about loving all my children equally (maybe reassuring myself?) and was thinking about what I love about each one, and how precious each one is to me. Then I realized that this too is conditional love. It is not pure love without reason. I love this thing and that thing, each one being special in their own way. Real love, outside of ego, is pure and has no conditions and no degrees. Because this is not something we experience very much we don’t expect it from God. We tend to think that God loves us for a reason, and that what we do can influence that love.

Jesus says the reason for this ambivalence is that we hate ourselves, the self that we made, the ego self with which we Identify. I understand that, too. I have felt that hate many times. I hate that I am not thin. I hate that I am not very good at so many things. I hate that I have played the victim so many times in my life. I hate myself for being bad with money. I hate myself for never having been the kind of pretty I always admired in others. I hate myself every time I fail to live up to my spiritual expectations.

I don’t usually express it like this. I generally disguise the feeling and call it frustration or disappointment. I say, “I wish I could have”, or “too bad I didn’t”, but I really hate myself for my perceived inadequacies. Once in a while the barriers that generally prevent me from confronting my self-hatred break down and I rage at myself. Well, I used to do that. It hasn’t happened in a long time. And often when it did, it took the form of depression and despair, but these are just hatred and rage turned inward.

I think it is a good sign that I can freely write about and share these insights. I have been allowing my mind to be healed of the belief in guilt and I am learning that I am not actually this ego self, but am really spirit. This is the reason I can confront the self I made and allow myself to see the ugliness of it. It is not me. And yet, I still want to delete all this and continue to hide behind my well-constructed spiritual ego.

I do not love the ego I made and that is why I do not, while so closely identified with it, know what love is. It is why I am afraid of God. If I don’t love what I made, maybe he does not love what He made either. If I am so disappointed in myself, maybe He is disappointed also. What if a child of mine turned against me completely? Would my “love” turn to hate? Would God’s love turn to hate if I betrayed him completely?

If I don’t know how to completely and unconditionally love my children, it stands to reason that I would believe that God’s love for His children could be conditional as well, in which case I’m screwed because I obviously don’t deserve His love. Except maybe if you compare me to a serial killer or something, and so here comes projection and blame and specialness. This ego version of love and its counterpart, hate, explain a lot about human behavior and the fear of God we all have.

I am learning to let go of guilt and fear and I am learning that what I always thought of as love is not even close to real love. I love that Jesus talks about this in such a direct way, and that he lets me know I am not the only one who feels like this, and that it is simply the ego experience.  As my mind heals I am beginning to experience the love of God in little doses, as I am able. I am seeing very clearly what is not love and that is a good start, because seeing it is not love, I can let it go, and be open to another experience.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 7-18-13

III Love Without Conflict, Paragraph 3
7-18-13
3 It is surely apparent by now why the ego regards spirit as its “enemy.” The ego arose from the separation, and its continued existence depends on your continuing belief in the separation. The ego must offer you some sort of reward for maintaining this belief. All it can offer is a sense of temporary existence, which begins with its own beginning and ends with its own ending. It tells you this life is your existence because it is its own. Against this sense of temporary existence spirit offers you the knowledge of permanence and unshakeable being. No one who has experienced the revelation of this can ever fully believe in the ego again. How can its meager offering to you prevail against the glorious gift of God?

I am spirit. I know this is true because I am told this by Jesus in A Course in Miracles and I trust the source. I have had experiences that help me to believe this is true. But I don’t live that knowledge of permanence and unshakeable being that Jesus talks about. The experience I have had of it does keep me from fully believing in my other identity, the ego. So I live this shadow existence where I switch identities, sometimes knowing myself as spirit and sometimes mistaking myself for this body I call Myron.

My spirit identity is such a happy place to be. It is peaceful and loving and while I am there I cannot imagine being anywhere else. But then I become afraid of losing Myron and so I allow my mind to stray to guilt or fear and I am catapulted right back into that body/personality that is the ego. And what is the ego’s enticement? How does it lure me back? What could be more tantalizing than happiness, peace and love?

I’m thinking. ~smile~

Jesus says that the ego offers me temporary existence. That hardly seems enough. Well, I think it uses guilt and fear to convince me that this existence is the only thing that stands between me and annihilation. It offers me a place to hide from my Creator. It tells me that I made a really bad mistake and now I am in trouble, but not to worry, it has a place for me to hide. God would never recognize me in this disguise as a body living a temporary life in a world wrought with danger.

Well, the ego’s got that right! I don’t even recognize me. I really believe I am this frail and vulnerable creature, and I find the idea that I am holy, that I lack nothing, that I could never be sick, suffer or die, that I am part of God . . . well, just ludicrous.  And yet, there is a little spark, a light that I cannot explain away. It burns in my mind and will not be extinguished. As I undo the ego beliefs, a little at a time, that light flares to life and I do dare to believe in the identity Jesus says is mine.

As I remember the truth I don’t turn from the ego identity, it just isn’t there anymore. I feel so happy to just be! I am so full of gratitude that it bursts from my heart and my lips in words and kindnesses and a joy I don’t know how to explain or what to do with. I want to share it and I long for everyone to have it. I write. I listen with compassion. I hug. I forgive unconditionally. I do what I can to give what I have. I must give it because that is the nature of love; it must flow.

And then just when I think I will burst from my ego existence forever, I scare myself back into the body story again. I’m small and safe from all this glory. I’m just little me and no one expects much so I can’t fail, at least no more than usual. I’m not good but I’m a lot better than others so I won’t be noticed. Jeez, it’s stifling in here.

How did I get back here? I was thinking about what I said to my sister in law and worrying that it was the wrong thing. I don’t think I was listening to guidance. I am so damned guilty! Guilty of not listening. Guilty for hurting her feelings. Guilty, guilty, guilty! No wonder I am hiding out in ego land. No wonder I am afraid to face God. I think it always happens like this. I think guilt is at the core of all things ego.

Here is the thing. I know the magic words to open the prison doors. Nope, its not abracadabra. It’s, “Reveal to me my innocence.” I know. It doesn’t seem like it could be so easy. But that’s it. That prayer, coupled with complete sincerity and willingness, dissolves ego doubts and uncertainties like sugar in water. Here I am, God, shower me with my innocence. Rain it down on me! I will soak it up and it will permeate my mind and bring me back to my senses. I am innocent. You are innocent. There is only innocence. All else is an ego illusion. “Reveal to me my innocence, God!”

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Study of the Text 7-13-13

7-17-13
III. Love Without Conflict, Paragraph 2

2 This is written in the form of a prayer because it is useful in moments of temptation. It is a declaration of independence. You will find it very helpful if you understand it fully. The reason you need my help is because you have denied your own Guide and therefore need guidance. My role is to separate the true from the false, so truth can break through the barriers the ego has set up and can shine into your mind. Against our united strength the ego cannot prevail.

I depend on that promise of help. I know just enough to know I don’t know anything. If in any situation I accept I don’t know, I can step back and allow Jesus to help me. He will sort through my thoughts, showing me what is true and what is just ego nonsense. Earlier he said he would substitute for my ego if I would let him and I readily agreed to that arrangement.

I notice during the day when I have let the ego take over and I remember that I have entrusted this to Jesus. It is a great help and has made for a much more peaceful day. Jesus says he teaches through contrast, and I see that those moments when I depend on ego thinking to make decisions seem so much more painful than they did before. The contrast is striking, and motivates me to be vigilant for my tendency to return to ego as my guide.

The Kingdom is perfectly united and perfectly protected, and the ego will not prevail against it. Amen.

When Jesus offered to substitute for the ego in my mind I knew this would be very helpful, but didn’t realize that it was more than just help with sorting through my thoughts. When Jesus and I join in this manner the Kingdom is perfectly united. For awhile now I have recognized how important joining is. Every lesson, every healing is magnified when I join with another.

This is what Jesus has been trying to tell me all through the Course. We have the idea of separation in our mind, and to undo it we need to join. We join every time we set aside the ego thought of separate interests. For instance, I might think I need my boss to recognize my value to the company. I want him to see me and what I do for him and realize I am more valuable to him than the other employees are.

Then I realize that what I really want is to be happy, peaceful, safe and loved. This is what he wants, too. This is what the other employees want. Before that realization, we each had separate interests and I had to be sure mine was met, which meant that theirs was not. After I realized that what I really wanted was the same thing that we all wanted, I no longer saw us as separate and in competition. I saw us as all joined in this same interest.

This is just one example of life as I learn to join rather than to separate. It seems like we join in this moment and then in another moment, for one specific thing or another specific thing. But it is more important than any specific problem, or any specific healing. These moments of joining are undoing the idea of separation. They are reminding us of our unity, awakening us from the dream of separation.

Joining with Jesus in this way, asking him to sort the through the thoughts in my mind and show me the ones that are true, is more than just helpful. It is uniting to protect the Kingdom, and the power of that uniting perfectly protects the Kingdom, and guarantees the ego will not prevail against it.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 7-16-13

7-16-13
Chapter 4: THE ILLUSIONS OF THE EGO
III. Love Without Conflict, Paragraph 1
1 It is hard to understand what “The Kingdom of Heaven is within you” really means. This is because it is not understandable to the ego, which interprets it as if something outside is inside, and this does not mean anything. The word “within” is unnecessary. The Kingdom of Heaven is you. What else but you did the Creator create, and what else but you is His Kingdom? This is the whole message of the Atonement; a message which in its totality transcends the sum of its parts. You, too, have a Kingdom that your spirit created. It has not ceased to create because of the ego’s illusions. Your creations are no more fatherless than you are. Your ego and your spirit will never be co-creators, but your spirit and your Creator will always be. Be confident that your creations are as safe as you are.
The Kingdom is perfectly united and perfectly protected, and the ego will not prevail against it. Amen.

The Kingdom of Heaven is me. I don’t remember the experience of this, but I accept that it must be true. Just as in the section The Obstacles to Peace, Jesus says of peace: You are the center from which it radiates outward, to call the others in. I am the center of peace? I don’t feel like I am peace, but rather I have to seek peace, and yet Jesus says otherwise. He says that I am peace and I don’t know it because I have placed obstacles to it and now must remove them.

Here he has said that the Kingdom of Heaven is me. I am peace. I am the Kingdom of Heaven. This is the reason I cannot fail! I don’t seek to be someplace else or to become something different. I seek to remove obstacles I placed in my mind to, obstacles to what I already am. How hard could this be? It does feel hard, but only because at times I remain conflicted about what I want.

First Jesus tells me that I am God’s Kingdom and then he tells me that I have a Kingdom that I (my spirit, not my ego self) created. I have fathered creations! I don’t even know what to think about this. I know that I am part of God, created like Him and therefore must also be a creator, but thinking about this in such specifics just leaves me stunned.

I cannot imagine what that must look like which makes me want to cry, because if I can forget my own creations it just underscores just how deeply lost in my dream I am. Jesus must have anticipated this reaction because he goes on to assure me that my creations are no more fatherless than I am, and that I can be confident that my creations are as safe as I am. I am not fatherless and I am safe, and this extends to my creations.

Also in The Obstacles to Peace Jesus calls our present dream like state, the great amnesia in which the memory of God seems quite forgotten. We have self-inflicted amnesia, and an agreement to pretend that we don’t remember who we are, and that we don’t remember our existence in God. It is forgotten, not lost, and we are beginning to waken from that dream.

Now here is a difference between the dreaming we seem to do at night, and the dream of being separate from God. At night when I sleep and I dream, my waking story is on hold. I am in the bed and I am doing nothing else in my life while I lay there. But with the ego’s dream of life, it is different. I dream of all sorts of meaningless things (just as happens to Myron in her night dreams) but in the meantime, my spirit goes on as if nothing is happening (which is appropriate I suppose, since nothing is happening). My real life continues uninterrupted into eternity, and I, as spirit, continue to create even while I dream the ego dream of life.

Yesterday I had two experiences of being outside my self, and I take hope from those experiences that I am closer now to accepting the Atonement. I say this to you because they were so very brief and it would be easy for the ego to discount them as the memory fades, but I want to remember, and I keep only what I share. The ego will not prevail against the Kingdom. Thank you, God, for that. And thank you, sweet brother, for bringing into the dream this reassurance from Heaven.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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