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Study of the Text 7-3-13

II. The Ego and False Autonomy, Paragraph 4
4 Think of the love of animals for their offspring, and the need they feel to protect them. That is because they regard them as part of themselves. No one dismisses something he considers part of himself. You react to your ego much as God does to His creations,-with love, protection and charity. Your reactions to the self you made are not surprising. In fact, they resemble in many ways how you will one day react to your real creations, which are as timeless as you are. The question is not how you respond to the ego, but what you believe you are. Belief is an ego function, and as long as your origin is open to belief you are regarding it from an ego viewpoint. When teaching is no longer necessary you will merely know God. Belief that there is another way of perceiving is the loftiest idea of which ego thinking is capable. That is because it contains a hint of recognition that the ego is not the Self.

I think that the ego is part of me, just another facet of myself, and that is the reason I am so reluctant to let it go. As long as I regard the ego as a part of me I will love it and defend it. This explains why it is so difficult for me to see it as not real. Loving and defending the ego is a hard job though, because it is so unlovable and is in need of constant defense. Looking at the ego in this way keeps me in conflict which is a very painful way to live. I am conflicted as I ask the Holy Spirit to heal my mind of ego beliefs and at the same time I defend my ego against this healing.

Jesus said he would substitute for my ego and he said that I could entrust my ego and my body to him. When I do this I am so at peace, and so happy! But I notice that in spite of the joy this gives me, I return to listening to the ego instead. I do this over and over during the day. Jesus has told me that he teaches through contrast, and, oh my goodness, but this is very apparent as I see the difference in listening to the Holy Spirit as opposed to listening to the ego. I listen to the Holy Spirit as he interprets my world and I am peaceful and happy. I listen to the ego as it interprets the world and I am suspicious and defensive. Why on earth, would I continue to choose the ego as my guide?

Jesus says the reason I do this is because I think of the ego as part of me and so I am protective of it. This will continue as long as I think that what I am is open to belief. Jesus says that I am created by God as part of God and this cannot be altered. I believe I did alter myself when I made the ego to take the place of God’s creation. I think that believing this to be true, makes it true. Clearly this is insane.

I know a little about insanity. I used to be married to a man who qualified. His ego was a paranoid schizophrenic. He heard voices no one else heard. His voices were as real to him as any voice you and I hear during the day. He was constantly defending his ego from everyone who wanted to give him medicine to make it go away. I saw him as suspicious to the point of paranoia. He saw himself as attacked on all sides. He believed in his “self” and so thought it was real.

It was clear to me that Charlie was mistaken about who he thought he was and that his belief in this confused self did not make it real. I knew that if he would just give in and take the medicine he would see that what he believed was wrong. He would then know what I knew, that believing in his voices did not make them real. I wonder if Jesus sees me in the same way I saw Charlie.

I hear a voice in my head, too. It is the ego which is just as made-up as are the voices Charlie heard. I believe in my voice, too, because it seems so real to me. I think that because I believe in the self I made, that is enough to make it real. There is not so much difference between Charlie and me as I used to think there was. I defend my made-up self just as fiercely as he did, and my defense does not make my ego self real any more than defending his ego self made it real.

Jesus will substitute for that ego voice in my head if I will simply allow him to do so. I only need to stop defending against his help. Charlie could have made the voices go away with medicine if only he would have questioned his belief in them enough to allow himself to take the pills. I can stop listening to that voice in my head if I will question its reality enough to accept the Holy Spirit’s “medicine.” There is an alternative Voice in my mind that will heal the confusion I live with all the time. It will return me to sanity and to Reality.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 7-2-13

7-2-13
3 Your own state of mind is a good example of how the ego was made. When you threw knowledge away it is as if you never had it. This is so apparent that one need only recognize it to see that it does happen. If this occurs in the present, why is it surprising that it occurred in the past? Surprise is a reasonable response to the unfamiliar, though hardly to something that occurs with such persistence. But do not forget that the mind need not work that way, even though it does work that way now.

I asked Jesus for an example of how I threw knowledge away and it was as if I never had it. I wanted an example that was recent and very clear to me so I could be sure I understood this passage. I thought of the day I said I was tired of the food game where I pretended I gained weight because I ate the wrong thing. I said that I was ready to know the truth once and for all. I had a moment of brilliant clarity and I knew the truth. It was so clear I could not imagine that was I ever confused, and I could not imagine ever being fooled again.

Within a couple of days fear and guilt arose in my mind around this issue and my clarity was gone. I was confused as I ever was and had to start over. Where did the clarity go? It felt like I forgot, but how could I forget something that crystal clear? In two days? How could that be? Am I victim to my own mind? Is it so slippery that I cannot hold onto something so real, so lucid?

Indeed that is the ego’s explanation. I forgot. I cannot do this. It disappeared all on its own. It’s not my fault. It’s hopeless. But that is not the truth. The truth is that I very deliberately threw it away. This lucidity was not what I really wanted. I wanted it for that moment I asked for it, but then I changed my mind and threw it away. Easily done when you realize how much practice I have had. This is exactly what I have done since the beginning of time . . . literally. After I threw it away, I used fear and guilt (handily made by my mind for this purpose) to demoralize and to discourage a return to truth.

This is the way my mind works. I decide on a thing and it is mine. I decide against it and it is as if it never existed. My mind is wiped clean of that belief and its effects go with it because cause and effect are never separate. This is the only way I could possibly keep the dream going. Our saving grace, the reason I can and will wake from the dream, is that while that is how my mind works to keep the dream alive, it does not have to work this way. Jesus is taking us by the hand, and gently, paragraph by paragraph, helping us to see differently, easing us out of our self-imposed confusion.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 7-1-13

6-28-13
2 Everyone makes an ego or a self for himself, which is subject to enormous variation because of its instability. He also makes an ego for everyone else he perceives, which is equally variable. Their interaction is a process that alters both, because they were not made by or with the Unalterable. It is important to realize that this alteration can and does occur as readily when the interaction takes place in the mind as when it involves physical interaction. Thinking about another ego is as effective in changing relative perception as is physical interaction. There could be no better example that the ego is only an idea and not a fact.

If you ask folks where their ego came from, most will tell you that it was formed through their interactions with other people, that they are the way they are because of how they were treated while they were growing up. They will say that it was further affected by things that happened to them as adults, the loss of a loved one, the birth of a child, getting fired from a job, all the things that happen in the life of an ordinary person go into making them the person they are. In other words, that they are the victim of their DNA, their childhood and people and circumstances in their life.

Jesus tells us that we are never a victim. He says that we make our ego ourselves, and that we continue that process all of our lives because we did not make our egos out of the Unalterable. Not only did we make our egos but also we make an ego for everyone we know. I read someplace (maybe from Regina) that we never know another person. We only know our thoughts about that person. Wherever I heard it, I knew that it was true.

Then Jesus says that we interact our ego with their ego and this produces changes as well, again, because they were not made from the Unalterable. So in the relationship I had with my ex-husband, for instance, I had ideas about him that I attributed to him. I told myself that what I see with my body’s eyes is what is true. I told myself that how I see him is how he is. But truthfully, I projected onto him everything I thought I knew about him, and where do you think I got the ideas that were projected? From my own mind, of course. Where else?

I can understand how it is that our interactions change our egos. I tell my husband that he is guilty often enough, and he is going to begin to live up to my expectations.  But Jesus goes even further with his explanation. He says that it doesn’t even matter if we speak to each other or interact in any way in form. Just the thoughts in our mind affect the other. Of course they do. I made his ego with my mind, so if my mind changes, so does his ego. And as he changes, so do I. We are so entwined that it is remarkable that we were able to convince ourselves that separation is real.

Here is an example of how this works. I have made a very complex ego involvement between my boss and me. Because he is also my brother, this man’s ego and mine evolve on several layers with each interaction, physical or mental. One day, I was walking through his office and glanced at him. Our eyes met for a moment and I noticed that he seemed very unhappy. He didn’t smile or acknowledge me in any way. His mouth was turned down and he looked tense.

I continued on my errand, but mentally I stayed with him. I interpreted his facial expressions as meaning that he was unhappy with me. I went several places with that thought! But where I ended up was that I believed that he was going to fire me. With a one-sided interaction that occurred only in my mind, I altered the ego I had made for him. Instead of being the loving and caring brother, he was now showing his formerly hidden true colors. He was a hard man, unreasonable, and willing to fire his own sister. My ego changed from the sister who looked up to her younger brother and admired and respected him, to a frightened and resentful person who blamed her brother for her fate.

He didn’t fire me. He never said anything to me about that encounter and I doubt that he was even thinking about me when he looked at me. But in my mind, a change in our egos occurred that day. He became a harder person, someone to fear. I became a more frightened person, more defensive, and guiltier, and my interactions with him changed for both of us because of this change. His actions seemed to prove my beliefs about him.

This remained true for years until I realized what I had done and forgave the situation. I asked for a new way to see him and I asked for a new way to see myself. With a healed perception I was able to see him with more clarity. When the guilt I projected onto him was withdrawn, I was also able to withdraw the guilt I had projected onto myself. Again, our egos were altered, and again our interactions changed. Now his actions seem to prove my transformed beliefs about him.

The ego I make for the both of us changes and transforms depending on my thoughts about it, and my perceptions. It is very clear to me that the ego cannot be real and that it is not a fact, but just an idea. I breathe a sigh of relief as I think about that.

We have no idle thoughts. We are creating on one level, and making on another, and we are doing this all the time. Here in egoland we are making egos. We do this constantly with every thought we have. It would behoove us to be mindful of the thoughts we think and to ask for correction when they are dark thoughts. What we make here is not eternal. It is not even real. But what we believe in is real for us, and, until we stop believing all our thoughts, we make a hellish world and believe we are in it.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-28-13

6-28-13
II. The Ego and False Autonomy
1 It is reasonable to ask how the mind could ever have made the ego. In fact, it is the best question you could ask. There is, however, no point in giving an answer in terms of the past because the past does not matter, and history would not exist if the same errors were not being repeated in the present. Abstract thought applies to knowledge because knowledge is completely impersonal, and examples are irrelevant to its understanding. Perception, however, is always specific, and therefore quite concrete.

Jesus says that it is reasonable to ask how the mind could ever have made the ego. It’s a good question, he says. I’m glad to hear it because I have certainly asked that question, though I did notice that I felt a twinge of fear in the asking, which pretty much guarantees I won’t get an answer. Answers come to the heart and the heart does not ask in fear. We do not receive answers we don’t really want.

Then Jesus says something very interesting. He says, in part:

There is, however, no point in giving an answer in terms of the past because the past does not matter . . .

This pretty much blocks any answer I could conceive of with my thinking mind. At first I was confused. First Jesus said it was a good question, a very important question, and then he makes it impossible for me to come up with an answer.

Ahh, I get it now. It is not for me to come up with an answer. That would be the ego attempting to discover the truth. The ego is not interested in the truth. The ego is only interested in the perpetuation of its self. The answer I want is not going to come from the thinking mind. The answer will come to me from outside of me. It will not be in words, nor will it be specific or personal. The explanation will not come with practical examples. It will not be anything the ego will understand, but I will be affected by it. I will understand.

I will receive the answer according to the degree that I really want it. There is no shame in not being able to accept it completely, no reason for guilt or fear. This is why we are studying and practicing A Course in Miracles. It is because we don’t know this answer and we are learning that we want to know the answer. Most of the time the answer comes slowly in gentle steps. It is a gradual undoing of misperceptions. It happens this way because Love is kind.  There is no reason to feel anxious about it, because it is inevitable that truth become known to us.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-27-13

6-27-13

I want to talk about this paragraph a little more before we move on. I feel like Jesus placed a diamond in this field of words and I am just now discovering it. I am amazed that in the past I have just casually read through this paragraph and never noticed how important it was. Of course that is because I did not want to notice it. Jesus says that he can substitute for my ego. He says that he can be entrusted with my body and my ego only because this enables me not to be concerned with them, and lets him teach me their unimportance.

Has anyone reading this ever tried this? I mean, have you ever read this as if it were true and decided to let Jesus replace your ego? I know we do this in many little ways as we practice the Course. Every time I am mindful of my thoughts and ask that a dark thought be healed, I am entrusting my ego to Jesus. Every time I surrender my own plans and my own decisions I am entrusting my ego to Jesus.

When I experience sickness or some other body thing and I become willing to see it differently I am entrusting my body to Jesus. When I choose to let him guide me through a body situation instead of resorting to magical remedies I am entrusting my body to him. But have you ever made a decision to simply allow Jesus to replace the ego, to fully entrust your body and ego to him? When I think of this I am . . . I don’t know what I am. I feel light. I feel like crying in relief. I feel something I have trouble putting into words. Not exactly excitement, but happy anticipation, maybe. I feel a shift coming on!

I think the reason this is different is that ever since I started this study of the Text with Jesus I have been acting like I don’t know anything about it, at least as much as I can. I am reading it with new eyes, and with his help. I am taking him at his word, as if he means everything he says. So when he says that he can take the place of the ego for me, I believe this is true. I am committed to letting him do this, and there is more conviction in my commitment than before.

On the other hand, the ego is still in the game. It keeps making objections and I am aware of them. Sometimes it is little stuff, like this. When I got into my car yesterday evening I automatically turned on a novel I am listening to. It is at an exciting part and even though I was not going to drive too far, I really wanted to listen to it.

The ego says, “What if hanging with Jesus means you can’t listen to your trashy novels anymore? No more vampire stories. You should turn this off right now if you are serious about this whole thing.” The ego likes to cause trouble and stir things up. But what I noticed in my mind was a flinching from the idea of giving up my novels. I thought, “Are my novels more important to me than the peace of God?”

This caused doubt and fear in me and I knew that it was not the Holy Spirit speaking to me. I set aside the whole issue and rested my mind in God. Then from that more peaceful place I asked for guidance and clarity. Jesus told me that the ego wants me to think salvation is the sacrifice and that is not true. He is leading me away from sacrifice and that my confusion comes from the fact that I have no way to judge what sacrifice really is.

Jesus asked me to trust him on this. That is why I am letting him take the place of my ego. He knows and he is trustworthy. He said that what he chooses for me will feel right and good to me so not to worry about it. He reminded me that this has happened before when we collaborated and I do remember how easy and seamless it was. There really was not a sense of sacrifice. It simply became what I wanted.

I am ready to see what today brings. Yesterday was 90% peaceful, with only a few ego waves to disturb my calm. It was effortless, as I just went along for the ride. I could get used to this!

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-26-13

6-26-13
13 I will substitute for your ego if you wish, but never for your spirit. A father can safely leave a child with an elder brother who has shown himself responsible, but this involves no confusion about the child’s origin. The brother can protect the child’s body and his ego, but he does not confuse himself with the father because he does this. I can be entrusted with your body and your ego only because this enables you not to be concerned with them, and lets me teach you their unimportance. I could not understand their importance to you if I had not once been tempted to believe in them myself. Let us undertake to learn this lesson together so we can be free of them together. I need devoted teachers who share my aim of healing the mind. Spirit is far beyond the need of your protection or mine. Remember this:
In this world you need not have tribulation because I have overcome the world. That is why you should be of good cheer.

Oh dear God, I feel such gratitude for Jesus I cannot express it in words. I am learning to read the words in this book and take them at face value and it is cracking open something in me I didn’t know was there, and gratitude pours out. I am my spirit and my spirit is just fine! It is safe and has not suffered for my foray into ego land. It is invulnerable and doesn’t need my concern or protection. When I think of the worst thing I ever did, the ego holds it up as proof that I am ruined for it. Spirit doesn’t even glance at it. Spirit is proof against my imagined sins.

Jesus says:

I can be entrusted with your body and your ego only because this enables you not to be concerned with them, and lets me teach you their unimportance.

I have been writing off and on about my desire to finally and completely let go of the idea that food or anything outside my mind is cause. I have always thought that what I eat determines how my body looks and feels. I have, for awhile now, suspected that this doesn’t make sense. In fact, Holy Spirit told me as much several years ago in a meditation. He said that it isn’t food that makes me gain weight, but guilt does. I believed Him and didn’t believe Him. (I wonder if my mind is split on this? Hahaha.)

I finally reached a point that I am ready to let go of these childish ideas about the body. It began when I started taking Jesus seriously and believing that he meant what he said through A Course in Miracles. I began to let him show me that pain is not real. Then he offered to show me that some medicine I was taking was not real.

These steps (over the last year or so) have strengthened my confidence in both Jesus and me. Perhaps that is why I was given the thought that I wanted to end this war with my body over weight. This idea, that the body is a real thing and apart from my mind, is firmly rooted in my ego belief system, and is not going down without a fight. I have had my ups and downs with it.

(Stay with me here. I am going to relate this to the promise Jesus made to us in this paragraph.)

Shortly after I began this project, I received absolute clarity about the body and food. It was so clear and so obvious that I couldn’t believe I had ever been confused about this. I would share this with you if I could but, the ego part of my mind blocked it out completely. How could that happen!? Or a better question would be, “Why am I surprised it happened?” The ego thinks of the body as its home and its fortress against God. It might concede a battle, but it is not conceding the war.

So I went right back into confusion and the ego offered to help me out. It reminded me that losing weight is easy. We know how to do this. When I balked at the idea of abandoning my plan to end the war on my body it cajoled me with the promise this was a temporary measure. The deceitful little devil said we could go back to working with Spirit when we got the weight thing under control. I had lots of good reasons for doing it this way and for a brief time I was convinced of its plan. I forgot that there is no meeting ground for Spirit and ego.

I have always fallen back on the Atkins Diet (low carb) as a quick and easy way to bring my eating under control and to lose weight quickly. It is easy and always successful for me. But this time it didn’t work at all, and in fact, the inexplicable happened. The more carefully I ate, the more I gained. In fact I was gaining at an alarming rate. I was forced to look at what was happening.

I asked to be shown that my body is not outside my mind and so nothing outside my mind can affect it. In this case I was looking specifically at food. This was my prayer and it was being answered. I was seeing that fear and guilt were the cause of the weight gain, and that it had nothing to do with the food. The more nervous I got about my body image the more out of control it seemed to be. I ate a lot and gained a lot. I ate in a way that always brought me results and, instead, I gained a lot. It was like Jesus was saying, “See, I told you it had nothing to do with the food.”

And here is where that passage comes in. Jesus said that he could be entrusted with my body and my ego and that this would relieve me of my concern with them, and teach me their unimportance. So a couple of days ago, I surrendered my body and my ego to Jesus. I admitted I was flummoxed and had no idea what to do about the whole body thing.

I told Jesus that I don’t know what to eat and when I eat anything now I feel afraid and guilty, but I do remember him saying in the Course that when I make a decision if I will ask if he agrees, there will be no fear. So I am through making diet plans on my own and making decisions by myself. In fact, I am through with the whole thing. I give my body and my ego to you, Jesus. Please guide me in all things.

I know I don’t have to tolerate this tribulation in the world because Jesus has overcome the world and once done, it is done for all. I am just catching up with the program is all. Gratitude doesn’t begin to cover it when I reflect on this. Ever since the moment of surrender all the conflict has fallen away and I am at peace. I don’t know what will happen with the food, the weight and how I feel about the body, but it all seems so remote and so unimportant next to the peace that it is now mine.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-25-13

6-25-13
12 Of your ego you can do nothing to save yourself or others, but of your spirit you can do everything for the salvation of both. Humility is a lesson for the ego, not for the spirit. Spirit is beyond humility, because it recognizes its radiance and gladly sheds its light everywhere. The meek shall inherit the earth because their egos are humble, and this gives them truer perception. The Kingdom of Heaven is the spirit’s right, whose beauty and dignity are far beyond doubt, beyond perception, and stand forever as the mark of the Love of God for His creations, who are wholly worthy of Him and only of Him. Nothing else is sufficiently worthy to be a gift for a creation of God Himself.

I used to very quickly read these kinds of paragraphs where Jesus is describing my true self and then move on. They made me uncomfortable because I didn’t relate. I didn’t see where it was helping me. I was more interested in the paragraphs that talked about the ego. This was familiar territory. I wanted to read something that told me what to do about it. I was a fixer and I wanted some solid leads and good advice. I wanted to do, because doing made me feel like progress was being made.

Most of my life has been spent doing and making progress, at least according to the way the ego keeps score. I solved the problems the ego pointed out, and then the ego would point out more problems. I’ve been a busy girl, ticking off items on my list as I got to them, figured them out, and took care of them. The ones I couldn’t fix, I deep-sixed. So, in a way, I did something with that too, because it was out of sight, out of mind.

With all this busy work and illusion of progress, you would think I would be happy to read about my true self, about spirit. But reading that I am perfect just as I am left me uncomfortably confused. How could I be perfect when there was still so much to do? How could I be worthy when I still made so many mistakes, did so much wrong? There is just too much work to be done, but I will keep working diligently, forgiving, forgiving, forgiving, and one day I will receive my reward, or so I told myself. Not in so many words, but that was the underlying belief.

I’m all for doing the work. There is still work to be done. I still get confused about my identity. I still get enticed by ego thinking sometimes. But now I am not confused (or hardly ever confused) about my part. I watch my mind. I ask for the Atonement and I accept healing. I don’t figure anything out, and I don’t seek solutions within the ego mind. I ask and I receive. And my Self is being revealed to me.

Wow! You and I made that discovery together. As I wrote that last line, I felt a rush throughout my body. Heat, chill bumps, tears. I didn’t see that coming.

These days I love reading about spirit, about my true Self, about God’s Son. I may not always exhibit the traits I read about, but I can envision it, and as more and more ego is undone, I can see signs of what lies beneath, what has always been just beneath the thin façade of the ego self.

I am beyond humble. I recognize my radiance and I gladly shed my light everywhere I go.  My ego is meek and surrender is no longer seen as loss, so it is with profound relief that I allow myself to be taught. I see with a truer perception because of it. The Kingdom of Heaven is no longer a far off dream, but it is my right. God loves me and I am worthy of His love. I am hungry for more truth and I don’t feel the need to hide behind my sins anymore.

When I get up from this meditation, and begin my workday, maybe I will again relate with the ego self, become confused about what I am. Maybe I will start to believe the ego is what I am instead of something I have. But I don’t think I can ever fully believe that again. It will be different now. My experience has been that once we know something, we cannot unknow it. There is no way to get the toothpaste back into the tube. I wonder how this will change things? There is a world of difference between being the ego and being the Son of God in an experience of ego.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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