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Study of the Text 6-24-13

6-24-13
11 The ego has built a shabby and unsheltering home for you, because it cannot build otherwise. Do not try to make this impoverished house stand. Its weakness is your strength. Only God could make a home that is worthy of His creations, who have chosen to leave it empty by their own dispossession. Yet His home will stand forever, and is ready for you when you choose to enter it. Of this you can be wholly certain. God is as incapable of creating the perishable as the ego is of making the eternal.

There was a time that I was tempted to believe the ego’s home was salvageable. This was even after I discovered I had another choice, that there was something besides the body and the world and the idea of separation. I tried to make my ego bolder and braver, stronger and more attractive. I tried to make it smarter and wiser. I even tried to make it more spiritual.

The ego goes on with this program, like an abandoned clock that has not run down yet, but I can’t see any purpose in it, myself. Every so often, I see the frantic thoughts in my mind urging me to join a worthy cause to improve the world, or warning me that I must live up to expectations or I will be judged. Sometimes I fall into these traps and play that game for awhile, but I know too much to go back, and pretty quickly remember to ask for the Atonement.

Jesus has taught me through contrast that I want to leave this shabby home and now when I spend time believing in the ego plan for salvation the discomfort of being there convinces me to seek Jesus’ plan of Atonement instead. When I act from fear, when I defend myself against perceived attack, I suffer and I have lost my taste for suffering.

I have always suffered when this happened, but it wasn’t until I practiced the Course that I even realized I was suffering. Now that I have experienced peace, I have little tolerance for suffering. And now that I understand what interrupts that peace, I am quicker to seek relief. I had a recent experience in which I seemed to be a victim to someone’s carelessness. First I tried to solve the problem with ego. Ego has this new, nicer, kinder façade to keep in place so it offered helpful sounding words, and reasonable sounding solutions. But the ego always has an agenda. It is always trying to win at someone’s expense.

Briefly I was convinced that I was doing some good and that everything would work out. The person involved would learn a valuable lesson and I would control the outcome to my satisfaction. The ego had me there for a while, and I was playing its game. But I tell you, the ego may confuse me with its logic, but it can’t fake peace. I felt the wrongness of it, and I was suffering. Because suffering is no longer my desire, I was given the solution.

I was doing a Pathways of Light course with two other people when the answer jumped off the page at me. We were studying from The Song of Prayer and this is what I read: “The poisonous thought that he is your enemy, your evil counterpart, your nemesis, must be relinquished before you can be saved from guilt.” Ouch! No wonder I was not at peace. I was teaching guilt and learning guilt. Suddenly I knew exactly what to do and exactly the right words to use. After that everything fell gently into place. I knew that this answer was the right answer because it felt exactly right. It felt peaceful at every step.

My first response came from the ego and it was an effort to make the ego home safe. There is nothing I can do to make the ego world safe. I don’t want to even try to do this. Working from within the ego thought system to make it something it can never be is not going to work. It never has and it never will. I do have a home, though, that is safe without my effort. It is God’s Will that I return to my home because it is God’s Will that I not suffer and that I be happy. I have seen the ego will and I reject it. “God, please show me Your Will, now, that I might choose again.”

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Study of the Text 6-21-13

6-21-13
10 The ego is afraid of the spirit’s joy, because once you have experienced it you will withdraw all protection from the ego, and become totally without investment in fear. Your investment is great now because fear is a witness to the separation, and your ego rejoices when you witness to it. Leave it behind! Do not listen to it and do not preserve it. Listen only to God, Who is as incapable of deception as is the spirit He created. Release yourself and release others. Do not present a false and unworthy picture of yourself to others, and do not accept such a picture of them yourself.

Jesus says that once we experience spirit’s joy we will lose all interest in the ego, and our investment in fear. Certainly this seems to be true for people who have done this; Byron Katie, Jan Frazier, Eckhart Tolle, and others. I can’t know exactly how it feels to them, but judging from their writing and their interviews this seems to be true.

Jesus also says that the reason our investment in fear is so great now is because it is a witness to separation and the ego really likes that. The ego is always pushing for fear. Because fear is always its first choice, I see that I must be vigilant for making another choice. The more I simply accept fear as real and unavoidable, the more fear I will experience. By accepting fear I am teaching myself (and everyone else) that fear is real.

This morning before I began my meditation, I checked my bank account. I check it every day, but usually I do this after my meditation. Once I did that I started to turn to this work, but I had the thought to check my credit card account. I used to check it daily but got out of the habit. I started to ignore that prompt, thinking I needed to get to my writing, but I have formed the habit of paying attention to those little taps on the shoulder.

What I discovered is that there have been several charges to my card that I didn’t make. My first (ego) reaction was fear. Then I set that feeling aside. Perhaps I would not be held responsible for the charges since I didn’t make them. I searched carefully for three months and found all the charges. They were to a particular company. The first charge was legitimate and the rest were not.

I noticed the fear kept coming up. I guess setting it aside is not the same as letting it go. I also noticed anger. The first charge was one I (reluctantly) made for a young woman I know. I didn’t feel comfortable using my card on a website I wasn’t familiar with, but let myself get talked into it. Now I felt fear that expressed itself as anger and then moved into resentment. I was very quickly back to feeling like a victim. I’ve noticed that fear, guilt and victimhood seem to be part of my classroom here, and while I have made great progress in undoing them, there is still belief that must be let go.

The difference now is that I don’t hold as tightly to the belief and for not as long. I feel the reaction, but I also watch the reaction with a bit of detachment. I asked for help seeing this. I was reminded that I am never a victim of the world I see. The world is a projection of my beliefs, and through my beliefs I decide on everything that is in my life. This situation is really my story so why am I blaming someone else. If I continued to blame this other person, all my energy would be directed toward keeping my victim story alive and none toward healing these beliefs.

I was also reminded that the fear I feel is not a real thing. It is just a feeling and the only meaning it has is what I give it. As I remember that it is just a feeling I stop fighting it and being afraid of it and it just moves through me. In doing this I am allowing myself to be taught that fear is not real. The credit card problem and the money loss are important only in the illusion. I will take care of it because that is what we do here. But my real goal is to stop believing in fear, and I am also doing that. This morning I took another important step toward leaving fear behind. 

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-20-13

6-20-13
9 God is not the author of fear. You are. You have chosen to create unlike Him, and have therefore made fear for yourself. You are not at peace because you are not fulfilling your function. God gave you a very lofty function that you are not meeting. Your ego has chosen to be afraid instead of meeting it. When you awaken you will not be able to understand this, because it is literally incredible. Do not believe the incredible now. Any attempt to increase its believableness is merely to postpone the inevitable. The word “inevitable” is fearful to the ego, but joyous to the spirit. God is inevitable, and you cannot avoid Him any more than He can avoid you.

It is very good news, indeed, that God is not the author of fear. We made fear in place of the peace that is ours when we are awake. Just consider for a moment that fear is a choice, and more incredibly, it is a choice for something that is not even real. To stop experiencing fear I only need to stop believing in fear. While I sit here in this meditation it all makes perfect sense and I can envision life without fear. In fact, if I doubt the possibility I only have to remember the story of Jan Frazier who experienced fear falling away.

Jan suffered great fear all her life. I relate to her because guilt and fear (inseparable buddies) have been close friends to me all my life as well. In her book, When Fear Falls Away, A Sudden Awakening, she questions if fear is inevitable. She considers, just for a moment that there might be another way. When she wakes up the next day she discovers that fear is gone, never to return. Imagine! Imagine what it would be like to never worry about your children’s safety or health; to never worry about money or your own health, or to be afraid of the dentist or heights or driving in the rain, or bad weather. Imagine your worst fears and your little every day fears. Pay attention to the worries and anxious moments today just to get a real feel for how much of your life is colored by fear.

Are you afraid to speak in public? Are you afraid to die? Are you afraid, instead, to live? Are you afraid you will not have enough time to get everything done? Do you worry your garden won’t grow or the insects will eat away at your tomatoes? Fear shows up different ways. Are you angry about something? Anger is just another expression of fear.

Are you angry at the driver who pulled out in front of you, at the clerk who was rude or slow or just indifferent? Are you angry at a child who behaves badly or a partner who is careless of your feelings? All these are fear just showing up in a way that you prefer over the feeling of being afraid. Take the pulse of fear in your day. Is it beating the rhythm of your life?

Now think on this. You made that up. Everything that happened is a projection of your belief in fear. Every response of fear is a choice to continue to believe in fear. Do you see the endless, awful cycle? The only way to end that cycle is to choose not to believe in fear. Thus far, I have not had a sudden awakening from fear and so I am using my slower, but tried and true method of letting go of the belief in fear. When a fear story shows up, I remember that I am the author of that story and I have a choice; I can accept my fearful response as inevitable, or I can ask to see it differently.

I use different approaches to this. I used to be really phobic about dentists and would put off going and use Xanax to calm myself when I had to go. A few years ago I realized that not everyone is afraid of the dentist and so it must be possible for me to not be afraid, too. I stopped making up stories about why I was afraid and instead became open to a healing. I started watching my thoughts about the dentist and asking that my mind be healed. When I sat in the dentist’s chair, I rested my mind in God. I asked Jesus to hold my hand. I did whatever I felt I needed to do to keep my mind open to healing.

Now I have no fear of the dentist. I don’t freeze up at the thought of going for a visit. I don’t feel my gut clench when I walk into the office and smell that medicinal odor that is typical of dental offices. A while back I went for what I thought was just a checkup only to be surprised by the dentist saying he needed to do some work on a tooth and that it might be uncomfortable. I was also surprised that I was calm about it.

The important thing about my dentist story is that it proves to me that fear is not real. If fear were real then there would be nothing I could do about it. I could mask it with tranquilizers, and I could use the force of my will to push through it, but if it were real, then I could not stop it from being there. I did the same thing for flying, and it worked the same way.

Where I have the biggest problem are the little every day anxieties. I overslept and got a late start and now I worry I will not finish this writing in time to make my first appointment of the morning. Then I remind myself that I asked Jesus to manipulate time for me as he offered to do. I used to worry so much about the time thing that it ruled my life. Now it is a thought that I use to undo the belief in time just as I am undoing the belief in fear.

When I worry about my son being sick or being in excruciating pain, when I worry it will never end, it is harder for me to not believe in fear. My fear seems like a mountain looming over me, threatening to crush me with its solid mass. How could it not be real when it feels so real? It is hard for me to believe that I am making it up, and yet, I surely am. I tell you about my son being in pain and you are not afraid. You may sympathize with my fear but you are not afraid. If it were real and so unavoidable, everyone would feel it.

It would be like me saying that there is a mountain in front of me so I can’t go any further, but my friend saying that there is no mountain in front of her so she will continue her journey. If the mountain is real, it is there for both of us. If it is not there for both of us it is not real. If even one person does not see my mountain of fear then I know it is not real and I can make a choice to see only what it is real, not by force of will but by a decision for healing.

Fear is a choice and it is a choice for nothing because it is not real. But it is a nothing that brings great suffering and that keeps me from my true Self, and from joy and peace. I will continue to ask for the Atonement and to accept the healing it brings until transfer of learning is complete and fear is gone. It seems like it will take more than this lifetime, but transfer of learning can fool you. One moment you have a million little fears and then suddenly there is no fear. That is because the million little fears are just an illusion. There is actually only the one belief and when it is gone all its little manifestations go with it. I am willing, God. Please help my unwillingness.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-19-13

6-19-13
8 The ego tries to exploit all situations into forms of praise for itself in order to overcome its doubts. It will remain doubtful as long as you believe in its existence. You who made it cannot trust it, because in your right mind you realize it is not real. The only sane solution is not to try to change reality, which is indeed a fearful attempt, but to accept it as it is. You are part of reality, which stands unchanged beyond the reach of your ego but within easy reach of spirit. When you are afraid, be still and know that God is real, and you are His beloved Son in whom He is well pleased. Do not let your ego dispute this, because the ego cannot know what is as far beyond its reach as you are.

The bad news is the ego is doubtful and afraid and nothing is going to change this. I have spent my life trying to make a stronger, better ego self with more education, more income, buying more stuff, developing a better personality, etc. I cannot shore up the ego so there is no reason to try, which means I have been wasting my time. I now have a nicer ego, a more spiritual ego, a kinder ego, but it compares itself to others and finds itself wanting in every department. It is still doubtful and fearful. 

The good news is I am not my ego. What I am is established in God and is beyond doubt and has nothing to fear. What I am cannot be affected by ego doubts and fears or anything the ego does or says or thinks. What I am is like God in every way. This means I am not my personality. I am not my body. I am not any of the traits I have spent my life trying to develop to stave off the doubts and uncertainties that plague the ego. I am simply and only the Son of God.

I forget who I am on a regular basis. This memory of Self is far too new to consistently stand against the ego self I have identified with for so long. What do I do when I feel doubtful and uncertain, when guilt overcomes me and I become afraid? Jesus tells me that when I am afraid, I should be still and know that God is real, and I am His beloved Son in whom He is well pleased.

I have used many prayers or affirmations to turn my mind back toward truth. I have reminded myself that the truth is true. I have asked that the Holy Spirit heal my mind. I have accepted the Atonement. I have reminded myself that I am still as God created me. I have remembered that God goes with me wherever I go. Yesterday I often remembered that what is not God’s Will is not real and can have no effect on me. I prayed that God would show me His Will for me.

However I choose to break the ego’s hold on my mind, the goal is to return to the peaceful certainty of my true Self. I rest in God. In that rest there will be no words, but my mind remembers that I am His Son and He loves me. In trust, I surrender all to Him. I am at peace, and doubt, uncertainty and fear cannot find me. Sometimes it is only for a brief respite, but it is enough to remind me that this is my natural state and that it is what I want. When it is all that I want, it is all that I will have.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-18-13

6-18-13
7 Your worth is not established by teaching or learning. Your worth is established by God. As long as you dispute this everything you do will be fearful, particularly any situation that lends itself to the belief in superiority and inferiority. Teachers must be patient and repeat their lessons until they are learned. I am willing to do this, because I have no right to set your learning limits for you. Again, - nothing you do or think or wish or make is necessary to establish your worth. This point is not debatable except in delusions. Your ego is never at stake because God did not create it. Your spirit is never at stake because He did. Any confusion on this point is delusional, and no form of devotion is possible as long as this delusion lasts.

My worth was established by God and so it is unassailable. Nothing I do or say can change it. I cannot make myself more worthy with good works or successes in my life. I am not a better Son of God because I teach or because I write spiritual books. Nor can I or anyone else diminish my worth. When I feel guilty about something I said or did, I am learning that there is nothing I need to do to prop up my self-worth. If I think I need to apologize to someone because I may have caused harm I do that. But my words did not change my Self. I am innocent.

This applies to everyone else as well. In my most lucid moments, I imagine my perfect and holy Self moving through this imagined life, having experiences with other holy Beings. Sometimes I imagine our holy Self simply being, and imagined experiences passing through us. But in those moments, I never see those experiences leaving a stain on our brilliant Selves.

When I am immersed in the stories, I forget that this and I feel guilt or assign guilt for the things we imagine happen. Then I remember my prayer: Reveal to me my innocence. Not make me innocent, or restore my innocence, just reveal to me my innocence. Yesterday I was having an experience in which I felt attacked. I asked that God reveal to me our innocence. Then I had another experience of being attacked. I watched my thoughts and I saw that I was assigning blame for my feelings. Again, I asked that God reveal to me our innocence.

The third time it happened, I realized that I needed to look more closely at this. If I am having experiences of blame (mine or someone else’s, it doesn’t matter) I have forgotten who I am. I have forgotten that my worth was established by God in my creation and nothing can change that. Unworthiness has become my belief and unworthiness stories are what I will project. I asked that my innocence be revealed, but did not accept it.

Sometimes I can hardly believe myself. I had a choice; I could hold onto my grievances, continue to project blame for a false belief in my mind and continue to find my brothers guilty, and suffer the consequences of this. The consequence is loss of peace. I felt angry, abused, confused, afraid, uncertain and doubtful. I forgot who I am. No matter who I blamed, I didn’t feel any better. Or, I could accept the Atonement in this situation. I could allow the Holy Spirit to reveal to me our innocence. I could return to peace and joy.

I noticed that I still wavered between the two choices. It seemed a sure bet that the other person was the guilty one and I hesitated to let him off the hook. Then I had a sudden moment of sanity and realized that I was literally choosing against God and for the separation all over again. Is my whole “life” a variation on that one moment, the moment choice was born, and with it, guilt and fear? I think so.

I asked myself what it is that I want. Do I want another story of guilt and blame, attack and defend, or do I want peace and happiness? It is absolutely my choice. Do I want to keep this guy on the hook so bad that I am willing to give up Heaven to be sure he stays hooked? Really, Myron? Really? I came to my senses and when I asked again for innocence to be revealed, I was ready to accept it. Today’s reading in the Text is a perfect follow up for me. I had forgotten for awhile yesterday that our worth has been established and that our stories cannot change that.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-17-13

6-17-13
6 Egos can clash in any situation, but spirit cannot clash at all. If you perceive a teacher as merely “a larger ego” you will be afraid, because to enlarge an ego would be to increase anxiety about separation. I will teach with you and live with you if you will think with me, but my goal will always be to absolve you finally from the need for a teacher. This is the opposite of the ego-oriented teacher’s goal. He is concerned with the effect of his ego on other egos, and therefore interprets their interaction as a means of ego preservation. I would not be able to devote myself to teaching if I believed this, and you will not be a devoted teacher as long as you believe it. I am constantly being perceived as a teacher either to be exalted or rejected, but I do not accept either perception for myself.

Looking at teachers as bigger egos used to be a problem for me. I saw them as having what I did not have and me as wanting it desperately. It was as if just being around them would give it to me. It was devastating to me when one of them fell off their pedestal. Since I had put my faith in their ego instead of their message, when they did not live up to the message I would be afraid this meant that the truth was not true. I also worried how I looked to these teachers and how I looked in comparison to them.

When I myself first began to teach the Course there were different problems. I was constantly watching for feedback, hoping that I would not be rejected. I was very nervous about posting anywhere and if I didn’t receive some kind of encouragement, would become discouraged. My ego was definitely involved. Looking back on it, I am amazed that the teaching itself was pretty clear. I asked for words and passed them on, seldom allowing ego to influence the writing itself. However, at that beginning stage I would often fall into ego fears about it.

Now when I write and post, I don’t have that kind of reaction. I don’t need feedback because I realize that the writing is for me, and if someone else needs to see it, that will be taken care of by Jesus. He is the one in charge of this. I just do my best to be true to the Inner Voices and trust it will be close enough. I understand that there are many teachers because there are many students. Not everyone is at the same level and different people learn in different ways. Some people will resonate with what I say and others won’t.

I don’t need the approval of anyone and I don’t need encouragement. That is not to say the ego isn’t alive and well in my mind. The ego cares, but I don’t. I have some students who study with me one-on-one. Sometimes they stay for a long time, and sometimes they are with me for just awhile. They get what they need and move on. Sometimes one will leap frog over me and become my teacher. I don’t have a desire to “keep” students. I am happy when they move on to become teachers to others.

I am not a perfect teacher and I am not anyone’s only teacher, or necessary teacher. I would not be interested in a teacher who thought he was the one who everyone needed or thought he was always right. I would walk away from a teacher who fed off my devotion. Jesus, in A Course in Miracles, is a genuine teacher.

Jesus loves us and wants us to follow him until we have what he has to offer and then he wants us to sit beside him and help him awaken others. He is certain of what he teaches but is OK if others do not accept it. He says at the beginning of the Course that his is not the only path. Jesus is a model teacher, and I do my best to follow his lead.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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Study of the Text 6-14-13

6-14-13
5 Every good teacher hopes to give his students so much of his own learning that they will one day no longer need him. This is the one true goal of the teacher. It is impossible to convince the ego of this, because it goes against all of its own laws. But remember that laws are set up to protect the continuity of the system in which the lawmaker believes. It is natural for the ego to try to protect itself once you have made it, but it is not natural for you to want to obey its laws unless you believe them. The ego cannot make this choice because of the nature of its origin. You can, because of the nature of yours.

What Jesus is teaching me is that I am not the ego, but I have an ego. I am the maker of the ego and am confused in my identity, thinking that I am what I made. Since my true identity is spirit, I don’t need to be taught, but I do need help in remembering the truth. The ego cannot make a choice for sane thinking because it was made to avoid right-minded thinking. It was made as an alternative to truth. But, I can make a choice to believe the ego thinking or to believe the truth because of the nature of my origin. I was created Truth, and though it can be forgotten, it cannot be lost.

Jesus was the first to realize the truth of his nature and to remember who he is. Since he had found his way out, he chose to set up a plan (Atonement) to help us all escape the cycle of the ego’s dream of death and to return ourselves to God. So far, what I understand about this plan is twofold. First, I am to accept healing through allowing the Holy Spirit to heal my mind. Second, I am to share what I am given through surrendering my body to the Holy Spirit to use as a teaching device.

The first phase, allowing my mind to be healed, occurs as I let down my defenses and invite healing. When I stop protecting my beliefs they are corrected for me. I protect my beliefs from being healed when I insist they must be true. For instance, I might say that there is no death, and I think that must be true, but then I hear that someone is very sick with stage four cancer and is waiting for death.

On hearing the bad news that this person is dying of cancer, my first thought is that their death is inevitable. I see that I believe in death, and I protect that belief from the Holy Spirit when I insist that in some cases death cannot be overcome. My belief is now that at some point, even the Will of God is not strong enough to overcome the death of a body riddled with cancer. This belief is my defense against God, and while I defend my belief there is nothing the Holy Spirit can do to heal my mind.

What can I do when I feel trapped by my own beliefs? I can recognize that my mind is confused. I can give this confusion to the Holy Spirit and ask that He purify my thoughts. I can ask that He heal my mind of the belief in death and suffering. No matter what my wrong-minded thought might be, the solution is the same. The temptation at that point is to look at the illusion to see if my prayer worked, and if I do not see evidence of success to judge myself as being inadequate and unworthy. If this happens, I simply have another thought to be healed. My part is simply to accept the Atonement, that is, to ask for and accept the healing of my mind.

The second part of the plan is for me to join with my brother for the one purpose of healing. I do this in many ways. Sometimes the joining is of minds with no action and no words. Sometimes, I am to allow my body to be used for this purpose. I do this as I put aside my own thoughts about it and welcome the Holy Spirit to live me. The words I speak may sound like my words, but they are words I did not decide on. The actions may look like something I would have done, but again, I did not make that decision.

My experience is that, like the first phase of mind healing, this second part, the surrender of self, is at first inconsistent. But as I learn to trust and allow more and more healing of my mind, I find that I am becoming more willing to be a clear channel for healing. In fact, I find that surrender is sweet and peaceful. I absolutely astound myself when I turn from the Will of God and choose self-will instead. Why would I do that, when it is so painful? Sigh.

If I love teaching because it is my assurance of learning, and if I love surrender because it is so natural, the ego hates these things because it wants to be in control. The ego wants the sense of self, and in fact, the ego thinks to lose this sense of self is annihilation. Of course this is the reason I turn from the peace of God to self-will. I still become confused about my identity and think I am the ego and its fear becomes my fear.

The ego’s love of teaching is self-centered because that is its nature. It wants to be “The Teacher” and to use teaching, not as a learning device, but as a way to prop up its flagging self-worth. So naturally, the ego does not want to lose its students. Jesus wants to teach us all he knows so that we will have all that he has. The ego’s purpose in teaching is to remain teacher, and so there is no real joining, and therefore no healing. I hear that voice in my head that longs for adoration, but, “Thank you, God,” I don’t believe it.

© 2013, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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