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January-March, 2009

Beginning the Journey

Rev. Mindy Kurka

Yesterday I got a call from a young woman asking for help. She was so deeply depressed that she could barely talk on the phone. It started me thinking. What was the best way to help her? What was the best advice I could give? When someone hits rock bottom, whether from addiction, emotional problems or tragedy, where do they start to heal? How can they pick themselves up off the floor and get back on the right track? It seems to me that the best way I can help others in trouble is to tell them about how I healed — what worked for me.

This telling is a tool that they can use to help themselves. Unfortunately, there are no “easy buttons.” It would be nice if there were. The truth is that recovery takes work on yourself and it takes time. Just don’t give up hope, it can be done. I am living proof of that.

I hit rock bottom at age 46. I had a major nervous breakdown. That breakdown left me a train wreck of a human being. I was also an alcoholic and had been for 20 years. I lost my business. I lost friends. The neighbors became wary of me. I embarrassed my children. My husband was so worried we were going to lose the house and end up bankrupt that he was frantic and angry all the time. Why he didn’t take the kids and leave, I have no idea. I was worthless to myself and everyone else. The panic attacks were so fierce that I became house bound. The depression was so intense that I couldn’t get out of bed.

It was like falling off a cliff into a deep, dark well of misery and suffering. The emotional pain overwhelmed me and I lost all hope. At the same time, I knew that if I didn’t find some way to help myself, I would remain trapped in that terrible place until I died. There were times when I wanted to die.

For some reason, I have always had to learn things the hard way. When life was going along reasonably well, I had no interest in looking at my problems or solving them. Oh no, I had to get kicked in the teeth before I paid attention. That nervous breakdown was a serious kick in the teeth and it got my attention.

You can’t begin to solve a problem until you acknowledge that there is a problem. For many people that is such a hard thing to do, taking a good, hard, honest look at yourself and admitting you are screwed up. I had two dear friends who died at a very young age because they simply could not bring themselves to take that good, hard look. Perhaps it was their memory that gave me the courage to look in the mirror and say, “Mindy, you are an alcoholic and you have some serious emotional problems.”

Once I had acknowledged my problems, I realized that I needed help. There may be people out there who have been able to get themselves straightened out alone, but I don’t know any. I certainly wasn’t strong enough to go it alone. Besides, I didn’t understand exactly what was wrong with me. And there are so many places to get help. There are doctors and psychologists, there are treatment centers, and there is AA and NA. Some people find the help they need through support groups, churches and spirituality. All of these are a great place to start.

Another must for anyone who is an addict is changing life styles and friends. This is another difficult thing to do. It means giving up your current friends. But that is a must. An alcoholic simply cannot continue to hang around at bars with friends who love to get drunk. Drug addicts cannot continue to be around other drug users. Addicts need to find friendship and support with people who don’t engage in such destructive behavior.

Initially in my own recovery, the doctor put me on antidepressants because I was so desperately depressed. Without that, I never would have had the strength to even attempt getting better. I suggested to my caller that she should talk to her doctor.

One of the biggest components of my recovery was beginning a spiritual path. I started off by reading A Course In Miracles. The idea that God loves me exactly as I am, that I am a beautiful, holy child of God, brought me to tears. That started easing my self-hatred and guilt. It began releasing the pain. I fiercely hold on to that thought even now. Opening my heart to the Love of the Divine has blessed me. It has healed my soul. This was not something that happened overnight. It happened gradually over time. Spirituality is a journey that lasts a lifetime. Every day I put my heart and soul in God’s hands and he gives me the strength to get through that day with peace and joy.

People ask me why I am such a cheerful person these days and I tell them it is because I am so incredibly grateful for where I am. My life has changed from a nightmare into a blessing. In truth, my nervous breakdown was the greatest blessing I have ever had, even though it certainly didn’t feel like that at the time. That event forced me to work on healing myself. It brought me into an open, loving relationship with God. It gave me my life.

© 2009, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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