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April-June, 2011

My Grievances Hide the Light of the World In Me

by Rev. Barbara Siegel

The light of the world is in me. I can light the world with love and with salvation, but I allow my grievances to take priority over this awesome ability. Why?! Fear, of course! I fear letting go of my grievances. Who would I be without my grievances? Would I still be Barbara? Who is Barbara anyway? Do I want to be her? Maybe I would do well to finally put her aside.

I guess the personality known as Barbara is all right — she tries, but she is so entrenched in her grievances, grievances from over 60 years ago to grievances from this morning. It is as though what I and the world have come to know and call Barbara is a woman who formed most her identity on being a victim. I don’t think I meant her to become identified this way, but that was the model I followed when forming her identity and writing her script. A model based on her mother, aunts, and other women of her era. Mostly, it was an identity that (I thought) would get her attention.

When looking at Barbara’s life, many in this world would say: “Yes, she did have some very real tragedies, some huge grievances with others and, perhaps, even with God.” But those who are looking from a higher source would just smile on Barbara, love her, and wait for the time she puts down the blanket of grievances she wraps herself in daily. The blanket is old, it is worn, and it is useless.

I invented the world I see. I wrote the script. I call it “Barbara’s World.” It is a soap opera filled with birth, death, marriage, divorce, times of plenty, and times of scarcity. I have a new episode everyday and I watch rerun after rerun of my favorite episodes. I have been obsessed with this program, but it is over. The program and all re-runs have been cancelled. The sponsors have lost interest as it no longer pays off.  A new show is being put in “Barbara’s World” time slot. It is a reality show called “The One Self.”

Let me not judge Barbara’s drama or be sad to see it end. Let me just appreciate it for what it was and go Home.

© 2011, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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