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April-June, 2007

Raising Children with ACIM

by Rev. Myron Jones

The following is an excerpt from Myron’s pending book about applying the principles of A Course in Miracles to parenting. She has been studying A Course in Miracles for 25 years and has had extensive experience applying Course principles in parenting her children. Her children have encouraged her to write a book so that others can benefit as they have. Myron will also be facilitating a workshop on enlightened parenting September 15-16 at Pathways of Light.

Raising my children has been quite a learning experience for me as I am sure it is for everyone. I have four children; my oldest son is Scott and he is 38, my daughter Sheryl is 36. Seven years later I had Susan and then seven years after that, I had Toby. So in a sense, I have had three chances to raise a child. It feels like I was a different person each of those times, and the choices I made reflect that difference. When Susan was around four or five, I began studying A Course in Miracles, and by the time I got to Toby, I had been doing the Course for awhile, so they benefited from that, Toby more than Susan.

I used to think that I was a horrible mom for my first two kids and a better mom for the other two. Now I understand that I was neither a good nor a bad mom. I was simply playing my part in their life script just as I was supposed to. Our life together is a mutual forgiveness process. When Scott and Sheryl were young I had certain life lessons and their life lessons fit well with mine; that is why we were together. By the time Susan and then Toby came along, those lessons had changed somewhat, and I had new tools to work with. I have withdrawn my judgments of my parenting and am left with only the lessons and the benefits gained from them.

I had never considered writing down anything I learned in the course of being a parent, but Toby asked me to write a book that he could use in raising his own children. That is how I came to do this. Now all my children are grown, but I am still learning to be a parent. I spent years learning how to be a parent to children, and now I have to learn to be a parent to adults. It is in many ways very different. What stays the same is that we are still learning and teaching and being saviors to each other.

Very recently Toby called me from school to tell me he is really overwhelmed with projects, his internship, and sending out resumes. He had little sleep and was starting to get sick. The mom in me wanted to soothe him and hug him. I wanted to tell him to put it all aside and get some sleep. I yearned to be there to do something to help, though I can’t imagine what it would be. I felt helpless with him in another city. After I had hung up the phone, I noticed how stressed I felt, and asked the Holy Spirit to give me a different way to see this. I asked Him how I could be most helpful in this moment.

What I received from the Holy Spirit is that I would not help Toby by agreeing with his assessment of himself as overwhelmed, overworked, and unable to cope. He reminded me that this is not a true picture of Toby. I sat down at the computer and sent him an email telling him that he had all the energy he needed to complete his tasks. I reminded him that his energy level was not a function of his body but his mind. I told him that I would know the truth for him while he was temporarily unable to keep that focus. This was the most loving thing I could do for my son in this situation, and I did not need to be with him to do it. It is hard to keep in mind the truth that space and time are part of our story, but are not the truth.

Another thing that remains the same is that my response to my child is going to be based on a solid understanding of what is important. In A Course in Miracles, Jesus tells us that in any situation the first question should be, “What is it for?” What is the goal of raising children? It is in deciding on that goal that I am able to establish a standard. Will what I say or do in this situation bring me closer to the accomplishment of this goal? For instance, my only goal in raising a child will be that I will teach this child that he is God’s Son, pure love, whole and complete. From that point on, each statement I make to this child will be measured against that standard. My grandchild is fascinated by the DVD player and the fact that she can push a button and something pops out. I know that it is only a matter of time before she discovers she can put other things in the player with interesting results.

I need her to stop this behavior before there are serious consequences, but I have not forgotten my overall goal. If I express anger and raise my voice or slap her hand when she touches the DVD player, I may be able to stop that behavior, but what will I be teaching her? If I respond in this way, I will be teaching her that she is bad and deserves to be punished. This does not meet my standard. I would have to examine my own fears to see what prompted this response.

It might take more time and effort on my part to find another way to teach this precious child to stay away from the DVD player, but it is possible. A different response might be to explain that it is important that she not touch this. I could consistently call her attention to that rule and emphasize that it is not allowed by moving her away, and by shaking my head while keeping a very serious expression on my face. I might put the player out of her reach if that were possible, at least until she was older, or put something in front of it if I could not convince her to stay away from it. There are other ways to deal with this problem. If I am certain of my goal, and I have the willingness to do what it takes to reach that goal, it will just be a matter of discovering the best solution.

It may seem like the explanation of why she is not allowed to touch the DVD player is inappropriate at such an early age. My granddaughter is not yet a year old. But I never underestimate the intelligence and understanding of a child regardless of their age. When Susan was a baby, all the books said she should stop drinking her bottle by age one or at least within the next six months. She really loved her bottle and I hated the idea of forcing her to give it up, but when she began approaching two years old, I knew I had to wean her. I sat down with Susan and explained that she was getting too old to take a bottle. I told her the reasons she needed to stop, but then I left it up to her. I am not sure she understood everything I said, but she understood enough to know that she was outgrowing her bottle and that she needed to decide if she wanted to stop drinking from it.

She thought about it for awhile and then gave it to me, but I could see the uncertainty in her little face. I allowed her to come with me to the cabinet under the sink where I showed her that I was putting her bottle away. I reminded her that this was her choice. She had a hard time giving up the bottle. Sometimes she would pull the cabinet door open and just look at her bottle. I began to worry that I should not have put so much pressure on her, and it was very painful for me to watch. I really thought about just saying, “Hear honey, take it back” because I just didn’t want my baby to suffer, but I resisted the temptation. I did not want to teach her that she couldn’t do this. Some of my uncertainty lay in knowing this strategy was not in the baby books and that I was going on gut instinct. Once while she was gazing longingly at her bottle, I asked if she wanted it back, but she said no, shut the door firmly and went away from it for the last time. She never looked for her bottle again.

If I had simply taken the bottle from her, I would successfully weaned her from it, but I would also have taught her about loss and that she was helpless to combat it. Loss is part of life in the illusion, but a feeling of helplessness is something we have to learn. By talking to her and allowing her to be part of the decision making process, and then by letting her know that the power to choose was still hers, I helped her to learn that she was strong and capable. She is still strong and capable and a good decision maker.

If she had chosen not to stop drinking from her bottle, I would have waited a week or two and given her the option again. I would have repeated this several times to allow her to get used to the idea. If necessary, I would have changed the options, perhaps telling her that she would get only one bottle a day now that she was older and allowing her to decide when she wanted that bottle, and then later giving her the option of choosing the type of cup she wanted to use now that she was too old for a bottle.

As a mother I might have gotten confused about what my goal was. I might have thought that my goal was to wean her by a certain age. Weaning her was just something I had to do. It was not my real goal. I could use this task to get something in the illusion done, or I could ask myself, “What is this for?” The answer would be that it is for teaching Susan who she is. From that perspective, it is clear that the timing was of little importance. What mattered was that Susan made a difficult decision and then stuck to it. She discovered that she was strong and able, and she discovered this before she was two years old.

The question, “What is it for?” is very important when raising children, or when dealing with grown children. It is important to me in my every day life. Any time I am uncertain as to what to do or say, I ask myself this question. The answer is always a variation on the one answer. No matter what it looks like, what form it takes, the answer is going to be that it is for the awakening. It is to help remember who I am. It is to help change my mind and allow the Holy Spirit to show me a different way of seeing something. It is to choose the Holy Spirit as my Teacher rather than the ego. All of these help me to return my mind to the awareness of God, to remember that I am God’s Son, pure love, whole and complete.

On September 15 and 16, I am going to conduct a workshop on enlightened parenting at Pathways of Light. The Manual for Teachers tells us: Each teaching-learning situation involves a different relationship at the beginning, although the ultimate goal is always the same; to make of the relationship a holy relationship in which both can look upon the Son of God as sinless.

In this workshop we will use processes and interactive sharing to join for the purpose of developing holy relationships with our children, both young and adult. If you have children of your own or if you work with other people’s children, I invite you to join with us at Pathways as together we explore new ways of being with the children in your life.

© 2007, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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