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Study of Text, Chapter 11: VI: Waking to Redemption, P 9. 11-11-15

VI. Waking to Redemption, P 9

Journal
I say that I am ready to awaken, but what that means, really, is that I am ready to know that I am awake, because as Jesus says here, if he lives in me, I am awake. How do I come to know that I am awake? Jesus says that I must see the works he does through me, and I must give as I have received. This is something I have been thinking about since I woke up this morning.

I have noticed that I am happiest when I am living the Course, and when I am teaching it in a more formal setting. Both of these times I am joyful and peaceful. For instance when there is drama going on and I am the observer rather than the participant, when I am the peaceful presence, my heart is filled with joy in spite of the chaos around me.

I was thinking this morning that when I am facilitating a student or teaching a class or presenting a workshop, I am what I teach and in that moment what I teach is redemption in some form. So in that moment, I am experiencing redemption because I am sharing it. That is why I feel so peaceful and so joyful when I do this work.

When I first began to reach out to others, allowing what I was being taught to come through me, it was surprising. I discovered that I was being taught as I taught. It was a little unsettling, this not knowing until it came through me. I was used to being prepared and feeling confident through my own efforts.

This was different and I was always afraid it would abandon me and leave me standing there with nothing to say. This fear was my weak sense of worthiness speaking to me, and robbed me of a lot of the joy I could have experienced. Jesus has taught me to trust him, and in so doing, I have learned to trust myself as well.

Now when I open to that teaching that teaches, I feel confident in the Teacher, rather than myself. I am not worrying about myself so I experience the joy of the moment fully, and I am at peace. The earlier experiences were helpful for both those who listened and for me, but now it is better. I stay aware of the voice I am listening to so that the ego does not take over, but because it is not about me and because my willingness is strong, there is more clarity and less conflicted thinking, therefore more joy.

I felt like Jesus was trying to tell me something this morning and as I write this it is becoming clearer to me. I have times when I am teaching through my actions and times when I am teaching more formally and in those moments I am sharing and so I am being redeemed and this is a joyful experience.

But what has been happening is that at other times I notice that I am reverting to the old way of being. I am listening to ego tell me that I am less than and that there is much to fear. I mostly stay aware of this in my mind, and I ask for healing. But my life feels like a struggle when I live this way. I think that Jesus is telling me I don’t have to do this, that it is just an old habit.

It feels like I am being told that what I know when I teach is known, and I don’t lose it because I am not teaching it. In other words, I could be joyful and peaceful all the time in the same way I am when I allow him to teach through me. I can break the habit of feeling like I am struggling to awaken. Until this moment, I didn’t even know that was what I was doing.

I hear you, Jesus, and I am ready to shift this kind of thinking. Please help me to do this.

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