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Study of Text, Chapter 11: VIII: The Problem and the Answer, P 3. 11-24-15

VIII. The Problem and the Answer, P 3

Journal
I think that surely I have learned this and surely I believe it and even want it to be true. Then I see that I am defending myself, and in doing so I am defending the right to be my own teacher. Why would I do that? I know it has only brought me suffering in the past so why would I want to do it again?

I also know that following Spirit instead, brings me joy and peace. You would think that the contrast alone would be enough to convince me of the teacher I want.  And yet, I still listen to the ego and the ego is nothing, so I don’t just follow the wrong teacher, I follow nothing. In doing so, I make more of nothing, but it is a nothing that I believe in and so it is true for me, and thus it is painful to me.

This morning while doing my lesson I wrote about defending myself at work. I saw myself doing it and regretted it right away. I asked the Holy Spirit to undo this need to defend myself, and at the same time, I saw my reluctance to let that go. I opened my mind to Spirit as I asked for clarity about this. Why do I think I need to defend myself?

Here is what He showed me.

I saw fear in my mind. I made of myself something that is not real and therefore is not eternal. This thing I made, this separate vulnerable self is in constant danger of not existing because it doesn’t. And yet, I made it and want it and so I must defend it all the time. How exhausting! I want to know my real self, and I want to let this little self disappear from my mind.

I become confused about what I am defending. It is not really my place within the company I am defending. That is just an image I made of the desire to exist as a separate self with a will apart from my Creator. If everyone at work valued me above all others and couldn’t imagine the company surviving without me, I would still not feel safe, because the idea of vulnerability would not have been healed. It would just show up differently.

These stories of Myron are not the problem; they are the effect of a mistaken belief in a self that is apart from God. The solution is to stop asking the self that is the problem for the solution. The ego self will only look for solutions within the images it makes. It will never offer a solution for the source of those images because that would end it. I am asking for salvation of a teacher that doesn’t want me saved.

Thank you, Holy Spirit.

I surrender as my own teacher and I ask that my mind be healed of all the false thoughts I have accepted in the past. I want to wake up from this dream of separation and I will never do that if I keep asking the ego mind to be my teacher. I surrender! I surrender not in fear and not with a sense of loss, but in laughter and joy! I surrender, Holy Spirit. Please teach me. I will try to stay out of the way.

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