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Study of Text, Chapter 13: III.The Fear of Redemption, P 2. 6-21-16

III. The Fear of Redemption, P 2
2 Under the ego’s dark foundation is the memory of God, and it is of this that you are really afraid. For this memory would instantly restore you to your proper place, and it is this place that you have sought to leave. Your fear of attack is nothing compared to your fear of love. You would be willing to look even upon your savage wish to kill God’s Son, if you did not believe that it saves you from love. For this wish caused the separation, and you have protected it because you do not want the separation healed. You realize that, by removing the dark cloud that obscures it, your love for your Father would impel you to answer His call and leap into Heaven. You believe that attack is salvation because it would prevent you from this. For still deeper than the ego’s foundation, and much stronger than it will ever be, is your intense and burning love of God, and His for you. This is what you really want to hide.

Journal
Jesus says that we would kill God’s Son because we believe it would keep us from remembering our intense and burning love of God and His for us. We hide from love and defend against God, all so that we can keep dreaming these stories of independence and separation. There seems to be no limit to the suffering we are willing to endure in order to keep our separate identities. Jesus says I do not want the separation healed, and I would argue with that if I could. But really, how can I?

Here I am, in the middle of it, resisting love, resisting happiness. And I do this for the shallowest of reasons; I want to be right, I want to be me. I feel like a child playing at being the princess and stomping my feet and running away when my parents call me home. Even if the dragon is so near I feel its scorching breath on my neck, even if the prince never comes to rescue me, even if it turns out that being a princess is not so much fun, even still, I want to be right. I stubbornly cling to my story and resist the love and comfort of home.

I deny my right to happiness and peace and the love of God every time I judge, every time I blame, am angry, resentful, or jealous. I deny God’s love every time I am afraid or guilty, and every time I claim to be a victim and unfairly treated. These are the treasures of my pitiful little kingdom and I hide behind them, not so that God cannot find me, but so that I don’t remember His Love. Because if I remember God I know in my heart that I would run to Him, leaving it all behind.

But slowly, ever so slowly, I am turning toward the light. Each time that I allow a bit of love in, I want more, and the stories of separation lose some of their appeal. I remembered when there was nothing I liked better than a good cry. I would seek out sad stories and revel in the emotional response I felt. I loved to play with fear, watching horror movies and reading scary books. I would hide under my covers and shiver in fear, as if this was the most delicious feeling in the world. And, oh, how I love my righteous indignation when I had been wronged!

Well, I have since discovered peace and joy and I am drawn to that instead. The happiness I experience now is just a small taste, a shadow of the real thing, but it has drawn me in and I am losing interest in the ego emotional roller coaster. “Oh my God, I think of what it must be like to experience Your Love more directly, and imagination fails me. And maybe it scares me a little.”

I have a battle raging in my mind right now. I desperately want to return to peace, but the ego mind just as desperately wants to be right. It is frustrating and upsetting. It feels like I am being compelled against my will, but of course that cannot happen. It is my desire for a self and my desire for my Self and the conflict is intense.

My Self will prevail, of course, but it is incredibly tiring as the conflict continues. Here is what happens. I feel so distraught and the ego says it is because of what others are saying and doing. When I have a moment of sanity, I ask Holy Spirit what it means and He says it is because I am defended against love.

I can hardly believe I used to live like this all the time. I guess it seemed normal because I didn’t know anything else. Now that I have tasted of the peace of God it is painful to be without it. I remind myself that the peace of God is everything I want. I remind myself that I am conflicted only because I asked the ego what something meant, and then believed what it told me. I can undo that decision.

In the journaling of this morning’s lesson I was reminded of the reason I step back and let Him guide the way. “I do not know what anything, including this, means. And so I do not know how to respond to it. And I will not use my own past learning as the light to guide me.” My desire to be at peace compels me to release all grievances and to look on my brothers as the holy Children of God that they are. “Father, walk with me today, hold my hand, keep me on the path of peace. This is my true will and my heart’s desire.”

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