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January-March, 2016

I Do Not Want to Hurt Myself Again Today

by Rev. Maria Kingsley, O.M.C.

Is there ever an end …?

So often I have sat down in the morning and let go of many different things during meditation and the daily tapping session my husband and I do regularly. Yes, I am blessed with a husband who also does the lessons, who practices the Course principles with himself and me, and who is experiencing our relationship as a holy one.

And we both pay attention to remember when we are not in joy or in peace: We make a note, whether mental or written (he does it on his phone), and bring it up the next morning to release it and see it differently.

This activity is critical for me because there is always something else that comes up. 

The Course states that ‘…the Atonement centers on the past, which is the source of separation, and where it must be undone. For separation must be corrected where it was made.’ (T-17.III.5:8-9)

Here is an example:

The other morning I suddenly realized that I see my ego as myself as a girl (me) about 10-12 years old. I’ve met her in other meditations or dreams, but here it suddenly was confronted with the fact that ‘she is my ego.’ Wow. I was really surprised!

Indeed I remember that my family was in a very difficult situation during this time, and the part of me that did not want to have this true went ‘below ‘and ruled from there with anger and attack. Yet, I could see that she also had a happy part, and that, if I could help her see that there are different ways to deal with life, she may stay with happiness instead of attack. And sure enough, I saw her, after being focused just straight ahead, she actually looked to her right and considered an alternative to ‘her ways.’ This was very subtle, but it was movement in the right direction.

From there I wanted to send love to her, because she did not expect anything positive and judged everything, especially all I did. She was never truly satisfied, and she readily messed things up and sabotaged me in various ways.

I continued to send love to her, and she wanted to play. She loved to just play without any particular outcome, without saying it’s good or bad or right or wrong. Mostly, though, she did not want to be wrong. So we together adopted the thought: I am never wrong. And from a Course perspective, you could say that I am never wrong, but if I don’t like the outcome I can change it and I always have choices. So, that helped a lot.

But, she is not without fear, and so I need to remember to bring up joyful memories, and not dwell on difficult or negative thoughts or feelings. It really helps to think about the way I would see Heaven, to feel the joy and see the colors, and experience the total freedom. These things bring a lot of energy into me, and there is no thought of an ego or the little girl. She wants that too.

But, I need to remember to stay with the thought, because when I let other, negative thoughts come in, she quickly pulls me down, and then I am blocked for a while. It takes me a bit – because I have developed habits that seem ‘natural’ when I go into foggy thinking and critical thoughts, and having to do things by myself without Guidance …I have to remember.

Jeshua calls it ‘the little willingness’ that we have to provide. I always thought it was really not so little because we’ve given all our power to the ego. But, in the end, that’s what we have to do to be free.

And so, this little ego self of mine will gain the upper hand here and there, and things will come up where I fall into old habits, but it is so simple (when I remember) that Heaven is just a thought away. That is the real Wow.

Thank you Jesus, thank you God, I thank my little self, and also my husband who is willing to listen to all my stories and still not judge me. I think that is part of a holy relationship.

So, what is next? I really don’t want to hurt myself again, and so I ask for Help in bringing up what needs healing and remembering that it does not have to hurt. I choose again. My intention is Joy.

© 2015, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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