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January-March, 2010

Love Is Our Only Way Out of Fear

by Rev. Nancy Miiller

For a few weeks I had been feeling down, low, and just not myself. My self-esteem was being hit in a hard way.

From outside appearances no one would have known. Also, by outside appearances, people would have been surprised based on me having a good job, a good salary, a wonderful home and significant other, and having my own business.

A spiraling feeling of sadness was coming over me and I felt I was not in touch with this sadness. Fear was settling in, which of course just made matters worst. The icing on the cake was my connection to the Holy Spirit was weak.

My morning meditation attempts failed and slowly dwindled. I was definitely in a slump.

As usual, I used the excuse that work was too overwhelming, stress-filled, and I was still digging my self out of the ‘project hole’. I could feel my ego taking over big time and I could not seem to get a handle on things. Even my own business, which I just love and enjoy to work on, became overwhelming and stress-filled. I could sense the urge to point fingers outward at everyone I saw, but I knew better. This made me even more sad, and angry with myself.

The ego mind is so complex and deceptive!

I had had enough. One Saturday morning I awoke with determination for that day, to set aside time for myself and to allow the Holy Spirit in. My morning meditation, while not brilliant, had brought me peace. My inner Teacher knew what I needed, and I could then sense and feel a brewing within. I describe this as a deep inner churning with a direction of spiraling outward. This was my cue that levels of guilt in my unconscious mind were coming to the surface to be exposed.

Even though I wished that the knowledge would come right there and then, I knew I was not quite ready to hear.

I continued my day with reading in A Course in Miracles, and more peace surrounded me. I was able to sit down and quietly write our weekly e-zine, allowing the Holy Spirit to guide me.

But then, my mind kept creeping back to those overwhelming and stress-filled thoughts. Churn, churn, churn, something is coming up, big time.

So I grabbed one of my books to read, one that supports Pathways of Light courses, and I read the sentence, “Loving ourselves is our only way out of fear.” Sometimes the Holy Spirit has to hit me over the head to get my attention.

My first recognition was that I did not love myself, and that I was not taking responsibility for all the outer turmoil I was creating. Then, I realized that I go in cycles, and since I create the cycles this is my opportunity to release, forgive, and expand my self-esteem.

I also recognized that when I am diligent in doing the Course in MIracles Workbook lessons, apply forgiveness and turn everything over to the Holy Spirit, I am at peace. When I am not diligent and consistent, I fall into my cycle of sadness and low self-esteem, and you know what falls downhill from there!

I was feeling like I had only hit the tip of the iceberg. I put the book down and asked the Holy Spirit for more information and began to meditate. The floodgates opened, I was now ready to receive. Spirit revealed to me the words: doubt, frustration, and stagnation.

A knowing filled me as I realize that these words applied to every aspect in my life right now. As I brought these words to Gods alter of forgiveness, I saw three huge boulders sitting atop. In capital letters and as large as can be, I saw the word ‘doubt’ etched into the boulder, the next boulder read ‘frustration’, and the third read ‘stagnation’. (Side note: thank you for the visual Mary).

Each boulder I gave up into the light for the Holy Spirit to heal. As these boulders entered into the light, I actually heard a sizzling sound as the boulders dissolved into the unreality that they were. A sigh of relief and release was felt all through my mind. Peace returned and a new perspective was reached. Tears filled my eyes as I gave thanks to the Holy Spirit for the miracle.

© 2010, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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