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April-June, 2011

The One About Communication

by Rev. Stephan Mead

During a conversation with a dear friend of mine, the word “communication” came up. Communication is mentioned 130 times in A Course In Miracles, and perhaps a quote from Chapter 15 emphasizes the importance the Course places on this word. For communication embraces everything, and in the peace it re-establishes, love comes of itself.  T-15.XI.7.6

“Do we really communicate with each other? Do we really communicate with anyone?” Those were the questions we asked each other. Quite easily, we saw that depending on how we judged a relationship, determined the depth and level we were willing to communicate. The seeming defense we used to somehow keep us protected by communicating differently to different people was a revelation to each of us.

“What were we trying to keep us protected from? Why wouldn’t we naturally want to communicate fully, honestly and joyfully with everyone?” Then, as our conversation got a little more serious, we wondered if we even possessed the capacity to truly communicate with others and each other. This was a very sobering thought. “Is our ego-made defense system so entrenched in us, that we think there is benefit in selective communication?”

My friend quickly mentioned that at least between us, we had a history of full communication and that fullness was the foundation of our relationship. I wondered about that. It sounded good, but did we really have the trust in each other we claimed we did? Continuing our conversation, I said, “There probably would be consequences, both anticipated and unanticipated if two people committed to full communication with each other.”

As an example, I used the humorous communication line between a husband and wife, “Honey, do these jeans make my butt look big?” In that question, so many fears, defenses, judgments and opportunities to lie were exposed in an instant; yet it was such a simple question. Any guy who has been in that unfortunate position should know exactly what I’m talking about!

Humor aside, how would a person answer if his motivation were to communicate in the fullest and most honest way possible-always? Trust! The guidance I felt, said, “Trust your friend would know you are sharing an opinion, that is all. Trust your friend would not take any opinion of yours personally. Trust your friend would call upon the love in your relationship to know you would never mean to give offense. Trust your friend would appreciate your willingness to share your inner most thoughts.”

Within a day or so, I had an opportunity to express an opinion of mine regarding an aspect of my friend’s life. I admit my timing to reveal this great insight of mine was poorly chosen, but share my insight I did! Forget about trust, all hell broke loose! My friend reacted as if punched in the stomach. Never has a phone call been terminated more quickly!

My reactions were interesting even to me. I was indignant, angry and hurt that because I shared an opinion of mine, I felt my friend abandoned me. The immaturity I judged in my friends’ reaction to me supported the old idea that one should never really be honest in every situation. To demonstrate my superior spirituality, I decided our relationship was severely damaged. I was willing to never initiate contact again to prove how right I had been when I had said, “Maybe people, even those in very close relationships do not really want to hear the truth because they cannot not take things personally.”

Removing any doubt about who was the more mature person, my friend called me the next day and suggested we get together soon to discuss what we could learn from our reactions of the day before. (Why can’t it ever be me that goes to forgiveness first?)

Everything the ego perceives is a separate whole, without the relationships that imply being. The ego is thus against communication, except insofar as it is utilized to establish separateness rather than to abolish it. The communication system of the ego is based on its own thought system, as is everything else it dictates. Its communication is controlled by its need to protect itself, and it will disrupt communication when it experiences threat. T-4.VII.2-4 I think I also have a topic for our next Course meeting!

© 2011, Pathways of Light. http://pathwaysoflight.org
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