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January-March, 2011

The One About the Reunion

by Rev. Stephan Mead

When I received notice that my high school class was going to celebrate our 40th reunion, I was excited. I had gone through twelve years of school with many of them, and several were a big part of my youth. We were to meet at a prestigious yacht club for the festivities. My anxiety started two days before the event. “What was I going to wear?” “Should I bring a date?” “How will I be judged?” “Will I be thought of as a success?” My brain was off to the races!

I called my ex-wife about the clothing dilemma and she suggested charcoal slacks and a cashmere sweater would work. She even told me where in my closet the sweater was. When I went to gather my clothes, the sweater was not there. My ego said, “Steve, I’ll take care of you, do not worry about a thing.” Being completely insane at the time, how else could I reply except to say, “Thank you, thank you!” Here is how it looked in my mind:

“Steve, you know you are a failure, right?” “Your classmates do not only have good jobs, they own the companies!” “You realize you will be the only one there without a spouse or a date right?” “Think of the fun you will have telling your friends how you lost your home and now rent a small place in the middle of the central area.” “What will you say when the conversation turns to retirement packages and vacation homes?” “Have I already mentioned that you are a failure?” “You can’t even find your sweater!”

I was a wreck! “What happened?” I wondered. “It’s only a stupid reunion, there has to be something else going on.” I tried to calm my mind, and most surprisingly, I could not. I was starting to feel even worse, and feeling even worse was not the direction I wanted to head in. I reminded myself that I am a serious student of the Course, I am quite familiar with the truth of Lesson 5, “I am never upset for the reason I think.” And, damnit, I was not going to let fear spoil what should be a very pleasant evening.

I called my youngest daughter and she agreed to meet me at the shopping mall to help pick out a new sweater. We had a great time shopping and making plans to get together again soon. Still, my emotional state was not understandable to me. “Why do I feel so bad?” “What is wrong with me?” “Oh, to hell with everything and everybody,” I found myself thinking. “All this just for a reunion?” “Nothing is making sense anymore!”

I managed to get dressed and show up at the yacht club. There was much joy in the main room, but none emanating from me.

I hated being there, I felt I was a fraud, I felt a loneliness that all but crippled me. “What is wrong?” I wondered for the thousandth time. “Why am I so upset?” “Why am I so upset?” “Why am I so upset?” Nothing I had learned from the Course was available to me.

After an hour, I left the party quietly without saying good by to anyone. I did not even stay for the banquet. “I’ll just go home,” I figured, “tomorrow things have to look better.” I sat in my car and could not move. “I can not even drive home” I realized, “I am in way more trouble than I first thought.”

The idea to call my ex-girlfriend arrived. “Oh great” I thought; “now I can add feeling pathetic to my already battered self.” I called her and she was home, which surprised me. I basically hadn’t seen her in about eight months and now I didn’t even know what to say. “Hey, I know it’s late and I’m calling right out of the blue, but may I come over for a little while, I’m not doing too well emotionally.” “Of course you can” she said, “I’ll put some tea on.” “It will be great to see you.”

When I showed up, I wanted to be polite so I asked how she was doing. For the next forty minutes I got to hear how happy she is and how much love she feels for her new boyfriend. By this time, I had proved to myself that indeed, I could feel even worse than an hour ago. It was difficult to see her happy which further depressed me. I thanked her for seeing me and finally got home. Preparing to go to bed and end this miserable day, I was hanging up my clothes and there, in the closet, right in front of me was the cashmere sweater I could not find earlier.

I just started laughing. Not only did I not know the reason I was upset, I didn’t even know why I was no longer upset. I do not know anything! I had asked (well, begged) the Holy Spirit for emotional relief.

Over the next couple of days, my readings and meditations led me to a different kind of reunion, a reunion with who I am and a reunion with what really matters. And what really matters, (really matters = material of reality) is everyone, even ex-wives and ex-girlfriends are available to help me find the barriers keeping me from peace.

How obvious that is when I reunite with Truth! I had the best reunion ever!

© 2011, Pathways of Light. https://www.pathwaysoflight.org
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